Talk Dirty to Me Part 4: Why talking about sex can lead to better sex

Part 4: The Desire Talk

I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist and couples therapist, and today I’m here with part 4 of 5 in Talk Dirty to Me: Why talking about sex can lead to better sex.

Watch the video here.

Part 1: The Health Talk- watch video, read blog

Part 2: The Frequency Talk- watch video, read blog

Part 3: The Likes/Dislikes Talk- watch video, read blog

We’ve covered the health talk, the frequency talk, and the likes/dislikes talk. Hopefully, by now, you’re starting to get a little more comfortable talking about sex. But if you’re not quite there yet, don’t stress. This can be a process so be kind to yourself and take it one step at a time. If you haven’t had the chance to have these chats, go back and check them out because they can be really helpful.

Have Better Sex: Learn Your Desire Type

Today I’m here to cover the desire talk. I touched on differing sex drives during the frequency talk and I’m going to reiterate here because I think a lot of people need to hear this: having different sex drives is okay. As a sex therapist in Philadelphia, I see differing sex drives often. It’s natural. And common. Your sex drive is unique to you. I’m going to share a secret about desire that not everyone knows, well it’s not really a secret but it might help you view your sex drive a little differently.

Spontaneous Desire

Did you know there are different types of desire? Often I hear from my sex therapy clients that when they think and talk about sex, they talk about it being a feeling that just arises. It just comes out of nowhere and you just feel horny and want to have sex. Now, this is one type of desire and if this sounds familiar, you might fall in this camp with what’s called spontaneous desire. Desire happens and it leads to arousal. And while anyone can experience this, this type of desire tends to be more common in those of the male sex. 

Responsive Desire

But there’s another type! It’s called responsive desire and it tends to be more common in those of the female sex. With this type, arousal leads to desire. So you’re probably not just going to feel horny on any given day. Your desire shows up in response to a sexy situation or some sort of sexual stimuli. This means you need something sexy to be present first, then your body says hey, I like that, let’s get into that. Responsive desire isn’t as widely known and as a sex therapist I’m doing my best to spread the word! If you have desire like this, but are thinking about and expect your sex drive to show up in a spontaneous way, you might feel like there’s something wrong. Hopefully, this info today will help challenge that and spark more of a curiosity because as soon as you add judgments, now you’re adding stress. And stress is a killer for sex drive and desire.

Learn more about spontaneous and responsive desire by checking out Low sex drive? Increase libido and have better sex by learning about your desire. And if you haven’t already, take the free quiz below to learn your desire type and get specific feedback you can use today to increase desire and better sex.

Increase Sex Drive by Playing to Your Desire

During sex therapy sessions I hear a lot of judgments and confusion that arise when exploring this. Neither desire is better or worse, so be aware of that, they’re just different. And I wanted to bring this to you as a talking point with your partner because you may have different desires and not even know it. This could present with things like one partner feeling like they’re usually initiating (because that partner has spontaneous desire and seeks sex out), or one feeling like they’re never in the mood (because that partner has responsive desire and needs sexy things to happen first).

Take some time this week to be curious about your sex drive and talk with your partner about this. Think about a typical sexual experience and how your desire shows up. Does it just seem to happen, or are you more interested in sex once something sexy happens? Once you know which type of desire you have, you and your partner can have better sex by playing to your desire strengths.

Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA

If you’re interested in learning more about your specific desire and sex drive you’re interested in, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.