Talk Dirty to Me Part 3: Why talking about sex can lead to better sex

Part 3: The Likes/Dislikes Talk

I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist and couples therapist, and today I’m bringing you part 3 of 5 in the Talk Dirty to Me series: Why talking about sex can lead to better sex.

Watch the video here.

Part 1: The Health Talk- watch video, read blog.

Part 2: The Frequency Talk- watch video, read blog

So far we’ve covered the health talk, which can help you and your partner navigate sexy vs unsexy times, and the frequency talk, which can help you two get on the same page about how often you want to have sex.

How to Increase Sex Drive and Desire: The Likes/Dislikes Talk

Today I’m bringing you the likes/dislikes talk. So, let’s just start by saying it, no one’s a mind reader. There’s this stereotype that you should just know what to do or what your partner likes during sex. As a sex therapist in Philadelphia, I’m here to tell you that that’s garbage because everyone likes and dislikes different things. But even if you’ve been with your partner for a long time, they’re probably going to want different things at different times. Novelty keeps things interesting, right? Mindreading and guesswork during sex suck and can lead to decreased desire and decreased sex drive. Because they’re distracting and can easily leave you wanting more or feeling disappointed.

So instead, try talking to your partner about things you like during sex, things you don’t like, and things you’re interested in or want to try. This often leads to more sex talk or more communication about sex, and that leads to more fun and excitement during sex because you’re both putting forth the effort to have better sex and make the most of it.

Want to Have Better Sex? Be clear about what you want!

A bonus in discussing the likes is that giving more direction makes it easier to please. If there’s something you want your partner to do during sex, ask them! The more explicitly (literally and figuratively ;)) you communicate what you want, the easier it is for them to give that to you, and vice versa. This helps eliminate that guesswork so you can just focus on enjoying each other and the experience.

A bonus in discussing the dislike side of things is setting some structure. This naturally includes things like consent because by sharing what you don’t like or don’t want to do, you’re both naturally setting some boundaries and working to make sure the sex is a more enjoyable experience for both of you.

How to Increase Libido and Desire: Do some sexy brainstorming together

Now, trying to communicate these things for the first time during sex, or if you’re trying to have sex, can be kind of stressful, or frustrating if it doesn’t go how you plan, or just distracting and get in the way instead of leading to better sex.

As a sex therapist, I suggest doing some reflection, on your own, about what you want to communicate to your partner, and then making a date night out of it. Setting aside some time where you know this is going to be the topic can help the planners out there, but also the procrastinators. It can help both of you get in the right mindset and come prepared with what you want the other person to know. And simply having the conversation might help fuel some of that fire and give you some new ideas.

So, make a date of it in the next week or so. And remember, your partner can’t read your mind so challenge yourself to be really honest and then make a plan together.

Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA

If you’re interested in getting more comfortable with your sexual communication, desire, or sex drive, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.