Sex Talk: Why talking during sex is sexy and can help you have better sex
Sex is great for many reasons: pleasure, connection, procreation, physical activity, stress reduction, and so on. But too often people are too uncomfortable to talk about sex, especially during the festivities.
There are many reasons why we’re uncomfortable talking about sex. Maybe you grew up in a more reserved household where you didn’t talk about sex, or if you did, it was very hush-hush and taboo. Maybe you’ve seen a thousand movies with sex scenes where no one is ever talking about sex, it just somehow spontaneously happens. Maybe you’ve tried to talk about sex in the moment but you’re not sure what to say or when to say it.
There are probably many reasons why you don’t talk about sex. But today I’m going to give you some really good reasons why you should!
Less talking during sex means worse sex, which affects your sex drive over time
For some reason, we’re socialized to believe that sex just happens, spontaneously, on its own (like in those movies mentioned above). While this can absolutely be true, it’s not the norm. And one of the downfalls of holding this mindset is that you don’t communicate as much or as well. If you think sex should just happen on its own, you might assume your partner knows what you want and what you like. This can leave you feeling really confused and dissatisfied when they don’t give you those things you want and the sex is subpar.
And a nasty cycle can result from this. If you’re having bland or even bad sex, you’re probably not going to feel very motivated to speak up or seek this out because you’re not having a lot of fun. So what’s the point? And this can start to stress you out because maybe you’re not sure what’s changed, you just know there’s an issue. And how do you communicate about that?? This can lead to a bunch of unfun emotions like embarrassment, confusion, and even dread. And now sex is stressful. Once stress comes to the party it takes over, removing all chances of sexy fun.
Now, not every sexual experience you have is going to be life-changing and memorable. And that’s okay. Subpar sex becomes an issue when it becomes more common and starts to influence your interest in and satisfaction with your sex life. And this is where talking is key. The less you talk during and about sex, the less your partner knows. This means they have less info about what you like, dislike, and lack direction in the moment so they’re flying blind. You may still get to where you want to go, but it’s going to be a bumpy ride. The same goes for you. If your partner doesn’t communicate these things with you, how do you know what they’re thinking, experiencing, wanting, etc.? You don’t, and now you’re flying blind too.
Talking during sex, at the very basis, is consent. I know, I know, this doesn’t sound super sexy. People sometimes think talking is something they have to get through in order to get to the fun parts.
Things I’ve heard about why people don’t talk about sex:
Asking questions makes me look like I don’t know what I’m doing.
It ruins the mood.
I don’t even know what to ask.
I already know what my partner likes.
Women don’t like when you ask, they just want you to do it!
BUT an interesting thing happens when you talk about sex: you have better sex because you take out the guesswork and make it a lot easier for your partner to give you what you want, and vice versa. Communicating is what takes your sex from ordinary to extraordinary. If you don’t talk, you beat around the bush (get it?). You may never get what you want because your partner isn’t a mind reader and doesn’t know about all those awesome things you want to try or that you really like that one thing they do.
Talk about sex: How you can have more and better sex
It can be helpful to remember that talking about sex is like any other type of communication. How you say something is just as important as what you say. And ask for what you want instead of telling your partner what you don’t. This can be interpreted as a criticism, and this shuts down sexy communication and fun. For example, instead of talking about how much you don’t like a certain position, focus instead on sharing how much you like another one or a new position you’re really excited to try. Giving clear direction makes it a lot easier for your partner to give you exactly what you’re desiring and enjoy, and vice versa. Results can include feeling more motivated about sex, opening up and maintaining communication, switching things up, and exploring more often. This can all lead to better sex.
5 tips on talking during sex to help you have better sex:
Consider the timing
If you’re anything like the rest of us, talking about difficult topics when stressed, tired, hungry, etc. is a recipe for disaster. Recognize that talking during sex doesn’t come naturally to most people, especially in terms of what someone likes, dislikes, or fantasizes about. It’s okay to be a little uncomfortable. However, tacking this on to an already tense discussion or bringing this up right before bed may not be the best time. Discuss the topic during a time when you and your partner are feeling calm, collected, and unrushed.
Talk about sex outside the bedroom
If you have difficulty speaking up in the moment about what you’re thinking, feeling, desiring, etc., set aside time outside the bedroom to talk about sex. Basically, if communicating about sex stresses you out, don’t first try to do it in the heat of the moment. This can lead to more frustration, disappointment, and pressure. Ease in by setting aside some focused time with your partner where you know ahead of time that you’ll be talking about sex. That way, everyone can reflect, get prepared, and not feel taken off guard. You could even set up a date night where you’re doing something enjoyable together to help set the stage for a positive experience. And who knows, brainstorming about things you’d like to incorporate in your sex life may set the night up to be a sexy one!
Find common ground
While it’s important to check in with yourself and communicate your needs during sex, it’s also important to respect the needs of others in the room with you. Sex can be a really great, shared, connective experience. This is much more likely to happen when you’re on the same page as your partner and you’re both working together to have a good time. Talking during sex can help decrease mindreading, but also give you both new ideas of what your partner likes or wants to try. You may have fantasies in common, or they may be completely different. Both are great! Talk with each other about what you want and find a way to make it all happen so you’re both engaged and enjoying yourselves.
Redefine your relationship with talking during sex
You can probably come up with a million reasons why you don’t want to talk about sex. And I’m sure a lot of them are very valid points. But what you’re doing now isn’t working, so why not try something different? Instead of worrying about being awkward about sharing a fantasy with your partner, instead, try reframing the thought to being excited to share something fun together. The reward far outweighs the risk. The worst that can happen is your partner says no, but the best that can happen is you get to try out these fantasies and have better sex! Talking during sex also shows that you’re engaged and present. It shows you care about your own and your partner’s pleasure and are making an effort to make it the best experience possible.
Consider what you’d like to communicate
There are different ways to go about talking during sex, some sexy and some not. Remember, it can be more helpful and motivating to share what you want instead of what you don’t want. It’s also a lot easier to communicate this because you probably don’t want a lot more things than you do want in any one sexy moment. And it feels good when you can blow your partner’s mind with a new position/sensation/act, so why not let them do the same to you! If you’re unsure how to speak up about the better sex you’d like to have, here are a few phrases to try on (adapt to your needs/style):
I have always wanted to try “insert fun new act.” Can we try it today?
I really like it when you “insert fav classic” but I want you to “insert new turn on.”
I have this fantasy where we “give some sexy details” and I’d really like to try that next time we have sex. How can we make that happen?
Last time you did “insert mind-blowing thing.” I really loved that. Do it again.
I found this new “insert cool toy” and thought you’d like it. Interested?
I like this but let me grab “whatever you need for more pleasure, i.e. a pillow for a better angle/leverage, more lube, etc.”
Any direction: More, less, lighter, harder, slower, faster, just like that, right there, a little to the left
See, not so scary. Really it comes down to letting your partner know what you like, what you want, and listening/taking direction when they do the same. This can lead to better sex, and more of it, because the more positive experiences you have, the more likely you are to seek out sex again. At the end of the day, only you know what you’re thinking and feeling and while it’s tempting to wish your partner just knew to do that thing you like, that’s not how the world typically works. And the more you talk about sex, the easier it will become, the better sex you’ll be having. So do your partner and yourself a favor and speak up!
Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA
If you’re interested in learning more about talking during sex so you can have better sex, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
