Problems with Low Sex Drive? Find a better mindset for better sex
What comes to mind when you think about sex?
If you’re like a lot us, the typical idea of what’s shown in movies comes to mind: the passion, romance, heat of the moment penetrative sex that’s quick, intense, and leaves everyone short of breath.
Now, don’t get me wrong. This sounds like great sex. But there are many ways to experience great sex. One of the biggest bummers that can happen if you experience low libido is limiting yourself to very strict ideas about what sex “should” be and trying to fit the mold of what was described above. For some people, that works. For most, it doesn’t.
But if you limit yourself to only one idea of what sex is and that doesn’t work for you, what might play out is something like this: You noticed you’ve started experiencing low sex drive. So now it’s harder to enjoy and be present during sex. This may affect your ability to orgasm. You feel like you’re doing something wrong because without an orgasm, what’s the point of having sex? So, you put pressure on yourself to have better sex and have that orgasm.
But what actually happens is sex is less enjoyable, so that orgasm is even harder to achieve. Now sex is stressful. And the more pressure you put on yourself to have better sex, the less pleasurable it is. Then you start to avoid sex because nothing you’re trying is working and it just frustrates you more each time your attempts seem unsuccessful.
I have good news for you: It doesn’t have to be like that! There are so many ways to experience better sex, and it starts with your mindset.
Manage Stress About Sex
For starters, it helps to manage the stress you’re feeling about sex. Your stress response greatly affects your sexual response and makes it much harder to enjoy yourself. Check out the first in a 4-part series about the impact of stress on sex here: The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive?
Here are 3 quick tips from the series to help you manage stress for better sex:
Physical activity
This is the most effective tool for managing stress because it’s addressing the physical stress response with a physical outlet. Go for a run, bike, dance, do some yoga, anything to get moving. The trick here is to do something you enjoy. If you hate running, don’t run! You want to alleviate stress, not add more, so get your body moving in a way that feels good physically and mentally. Because the better you feel in and about your body, the better chance you have to increase sex drive.
Connection
We live in a remote-friendly world, but this doesn’t mean connecting with people in real life is any less important. Hugging or kissing someone you care about (or pets!) causes a physiological response, making it easier for you to lower stress. Make an effort to hug someone you care about, hold hands, or cuddle up with your fur baby on the couch. And connecting with a partner physically will help build intimacy, which lays part of the foundation to increase sex drive.
Take the pressure off sex
The more pressure you put on yourself to perform, look, and sound a certain way or have sex at a certain frequency, the more elusive it may feel. And that’s because pressure = stress. Take some time to get back to basics with what you enjoy about your body, your partner’s body, intimacy, touch, etc. Try to look at sex through a curious, fun, exploratory lens. This will help you feel more motivated, increase libido, and get back to having more fun during sex.
Shift Your Mindset to Increase Sex Drive (and have some fun while doing it)
Let’s build on this idea of taking the pressure off so you can have better sex. Because if you don’t, you’ll start the stress response all over again and keep ending up in the same frustrated, unfulfilled place.
In order to shift your expectations, and as a result your experiences during sex, take a minute and think about how you define having sex. Do you think sex starts at penetration? Does sex end at orgasm? Do you think foreplay shouldn’t be necessary? Should vaginal lubrication be enough and if you need lube that’s a failure in arousal? Do you notice any other judgments coming up?
Let’s challenge those judgments because they’re unhelpful and are getting in your way. Instead of thinking about sex as a straight journey that starts at point A (penetration) and ends at point B (orgasm), it’s more helpful to think about it as an ongoing, circular process. Think about it like a pie: You can try a piece and if you like it, you can eat more. You can eat as much or as little as you’d like. If you start eating one piece but see another you want, you can shift to eating that one!
Here’s an example of a tasty sex pie:
The beauty of this mindset is you have the freedom to start and end wherever you want (with consent/communication if you’re with a partner, of course). If something tastes good, eat it! If it doesn’t, put it back. Don’t feel like you have to do a certain thing, a certain way, in a certain order. Understandably, this may seem very foreign if you’re used to thinking about sex in a linear way (kissing leads to penetration, leads to orgasm). But the beauty in shifting your mindset is realizing that sex gets to be whatever you and your partner want it to be. It can start wherever you like and go wherever’s pleasurable. Once you start to view it as a more dynamic process, it’s easier to switch things up, try new things, communicate, and be open to more exploring. And that’s where the magic of better sex happens.
Give yourself permission to explore, play, and have fun during sex with a partner and on your own. By sampling different pieces of the pie, you might learn there are some really good pieces you never noticed. And maybe the ones you’ve been eating aren’t all that appetizing anymore.
And remember: it’s your pie, not anyone else’s. Put aside the limiting view of sex you see in movies. Your experience is about you and what you like, not what others tell you you should like. They have their own pies, and that’s great (or unrealistic if we think about how sex is portrayed in movies), but trying to eat yours the same way hasn’t been working, so stop doing it! If you really want to let go of the stress and experience better sex, allow yourself to find what works for you. Because honestly, if you keep trying to eat the same pie, in the same way you have been, you’re going to keep getting the same stomachache. The best thing you can do is value yourself and your sex life enough to shift your mindset and accept that doing things differently can lead to better sex.
8 tips for making your own sex pie for better sex:
Be honest with yourself about what’s in the way
Are you worried your partner will judge you if you ask for something new in the bedroom? Are you unsure what you like? Are you nervous to even verbalize some of your fantasies because it feels embarrassing? Acknowledge and manage stress. Consider what you’d need to feel more comfortable, content, and relaxed during sex. And how you can speak up about these. You deserve better sex, but in order to get that, you have to address what’s standing in your way. Consider what realistic changes would help decrease your stress level and increase your comfort with exploring during sex.
Be honest with yourself about what you enjoy
Think about what you like, what you want to try, and what you fantasize about. This can be a helpful process as it allows you to think about sex in a different way. Instead of being goal-directed (to orgasm) you can experience increased pleasure along the way, explore more, and feel more satisfied from the experience as a whole. Reflect on some of your favorite experiences and consider what made them great. Then get creative on incorporating aspects of them into your pie.
Focus on the journey, not the destination
Sexual pleasure and satisfaction don’t need to center on orgasm, though I recognize this is a definite bonus. However, being goal-directed during sex isn’t always helpful. Working toward something as specific as an orgasm can actually make it more allusive. So instead, focus more on the sensations and activities you enjoy. These help build anticipation and can actually lead to great orgasms, but remember to enjoy the journey and not just rush to the destination. There’s a lot of fun to be had along the way.
Consider the 5 senses
If you’re unsure about what you like or what new pieces of the pie to sample, include your 5 senses. Consider touch on different parts of your body, with different objects, and differing amounts of pressure. Think about what you enjoy looking at during sex and try new positions with new vantages or incorporate mirrors. Consider what bodily noises you enjoy hearing during sex, ask your partner to be more verbal, or allow yourself to moan, without inhibition, when things feel great. Think about smells that turn you on, like your partner’s natural scent, wearing your favorite perfume/cologne, or lighting a candle that smells amazing. Consider what tastes good during sex, like incorporating foods, flavored lubes, or simply liking the taste of your partner’s skin.
Challenge your fears
As you’re making and taste-testing your pie, it’s natural for some fear and anxieties to arise. The important thing to do when that happens is not to judge yourself for it. Changing any habit and mindset takes time and includes some trial and error. For example, it’s okay to not be sure what you like. Judging yourself for this won’t help you learn what you enjoy, but being kind and accepting that you don’t know, but want to know, can help you move toward finding out. And you’re going to try things that don’t work. That’s a reality of the process and perfectly natural. Don’t get discouraged if something doesn’t work, because now you know! And now you can try other things to find what does.
Celebrate successes
This is a process. Just like how the linear model of sex isn’t helpful, this isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. Trying things that don’t work can be frustrating. And this is why it’s important to celebrate wins when they happen. So maybe a new position didn’t work in your favor, but maybe you and your partner communicated better when trying it out and even had a laugh when you realized it was ridiculous and wasn’t going to work. Those are successes! And the more positives you can find, the more fun you’ll have, the more motivated you’ll be to continue eating the pie. And all the little wins add up and contribute to finding that better sex you’ve been seeking.
Change your pie as needed
External factors like relationship dynamics, work stress, diet/exercise, etc. play important roles and may impact which part of the pie you want today if any, and what you’ll want tomorrow. This is perfectly natural. Remember the goal is to explore and enjoy the process. That may look different day-to-day. Last week you may have enjoyed the pieces of pie that were rougher, and next week you may want more relaxed, gentle pieces of the pie. The important thing is that you pay attention to what feels good in the moment, be honest with yourself, and communicate with your partner so the sex can be more enjoyable.
Make a pie with your partner
Try making a sex pie with your partner and literally draw out and section off different parts of the pie together. This can help you get a sense of what pieces of pie they may enjoy, and help you communicate to them what you want. This can be a fun, shared experience that occurs outside sex, which can be especially helpful if either of you has difficulty speaking up in the moment. And it can give you lots of fun, new ideas to try together.
Utilizing this tool is especially helpful if you’ve ever experienced performance anxiety, difficulty with orgasm, low desire, etc. It takes some of the pressure off and can have a contradictory effect: The goal is not to orgasm, it’s to experience more pleasure along the way. BUT by experiencing more pleasure, you may have bigger, better, more orgasms! At the end of the day, everyone has different desires, drives, and interests so all pies will look different. Shifting your mindset and exploring your pie can give you permission to be more open to fun, pleasure, and exploring, which can lead you to better sex.
Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA
If you’ve been working on your pie for a while without luck, or if you’re not even sure how to start baking, sex therapy can help. Click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your pie and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
