Low Sex Drive? What you need to know about your Sexual Response Cycle

Low sex drive and low sexual desire. These things happen.

But if they’re ongoing they can really interfere with your ability to feel present, aroused, and interested in any type of sexy situation. Read on to learn what you can do about it.

This can start a cycle of negative thoughts that leave you questioning your desire, what turns you on, how well you know your body, your relationship, and more. In order to stop these unhelpful thoughts and get you back in tune with your sexy self, it’s important to understand how you’re experiencing the different phases of your sexual response cycle.

Sex Drive Fluctuations

For starters, your sexual response cycle fluctuates and may respond in different ways day-to-day. That’s perfectly ordinary. To visualize this concept, think about foods you like to eat. You might get into a groove where you love eating strawberries and that’s all you want. You can’t get enough. You crave strawberries every day. And then suddenly you’ve had your fill of strawberries and now you want something different. That doesn’t mean you suddenly have some sort of terrible gastrointestinal issues. It just means you want to eat some other fruits. Chances are you still really enjoy strawberries and will eat them again, but you want to explore other areas of the food pyramid. And this is perfectly natural.

The same goes for your sexual response. Maybe you’ve been eating the same food, so to say, during sex and you want to try some other food groups. Just because your interest in something has shifted doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. And unfortunately, that’s how we tend to think and talk about sex. In the above example, it may have seemed extreme to jump to the conclusion that suddenly something is physically wrong because you no longer crave strawberries, but that’s how we talk about sex. We tend to assign judgment to a change in interest, desire, arousal, etc. And this makes it a lot harder to approach sex with a fun, optimistic, playful attitude. Because now it’s stressful.

Other factors affecting your Sex Drive 

If you’ve read any of my other posts, you probably know the stress response is a killer and has a big impact on low sex drive. If you’re interested in learning more about sex and stress, check out my 4-part series on this, starting with The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive?

Your sexual response and sexual desire are impacted by way more than just the physical sensations and person in front of you. Major culprits affecting this include your stress level, the quality of your sleep, physical health, your relationship with your partner, your relationship with yourself, and much more.

For example, say you’re turned on and really into some light spanking with your partner one day, but the next time you have sex and they spank you, you’re not into it. This shift in sexual interest is absolutely ordinary. This doesn’t mean there’s something suddenly wrong with you. It doesn’t even mean there’s something going on with your sexual response, because maybe there are outside factors at play. Maybe you haven’t been sleeping well. Maybe you had an argument with your partner that doesn’t feel resolved. Maybe you’ve been feeling more stressed at work lately. All of these can impact your ability to feel present, connected, and sexy in the moment, and can affect how you respond to different physical sensations. And at the end of the day, maybe today just isn’t the day for spanking. And that’s okay too.

Your Sexual Response Cycle

While day-to-day fluctuations are ordinary and expected, sometimes issues can be persistent and start to interfere with the quality of your sex drive on an ongoing basis. Helen Singer Kaplan, a leader in the field of sex therapy, recognized that disruptions tend to present in one of the three phases of your Sexual Response Cycle:

1. Desire

   This is your interest in or appetite for sex. Sometimes this occurs before sexual activity, like just thinking about seeing your partner naked or having an intimate date night can start some excitement and blood flow down south. Sometimes this occurs once you start getting physical and leaves you wanting more. Feeling your partner touch or kiss you might start the engines. Most importantly, desire is impacted by your emotional state and how you feel about sex: positive experiences fuel desire, negative ones extinguish it.

   Disruptions in this could present as feeling little interest in sex or feeling stressed when thinking about sex.

2. Arousal

   This is where your physical responses kick in and becomes more prevalent. There’s an increase in heart rate and blood pressure. Breathing becomes shallower and quicker. Blood flows to the genitals and they swell. Lubrication occurs. You may experience a “sex flush” where there is a reddening of the skin on the face, neck, or chest.

   Disruptions in this could present as feeling distracted during sex or having difficulty getting an erection or with vaginal lubrication.

3. Orgasm

   This is where the muscles of your pelvic floor contract in unison. The heart beats rapidly and there is a further increase in blood pressure, followed by a release of tension in muscles. There are often feelings of pleasure associated with this and a deep sense of relaxation may immediately follow.

   Disruptions in this could present as experiencing difficulty having an orgasm, orgasming more quickly than you would like, or having difficulty feeling present due to stress about orgasming.

Take a minute and think about a typical sexual experience for you. Do you notice there’s a certain time or thing that occurs that makes it difficult to feel engaged or enjoy yourself? Consider each phase of your sexual response cycle and which may present the most challenges for you.

Now that you have some idea of where the disruption is occurring, you can take some steps to shift things so you can increase sex drive and have better sexual experiences. There are many things you can do to get more in tune with your sexual response cycle and increase your chances of having better sex. I’ve included 8 tips here to get you started. 

8 tips for getting to know your sexual response cycle and having better sex:

1.  Communicate

   Take some time and think about the things you like leading up to, during, and after sex. Then ask for them! Sometimes people feel selfish asking for what they want and like in the bedroom, but I’d argue just the opposite. No one is a mind reader and giving your partner some insider info about the things you enjoy helps them give you pleasure and can make for a better experience for everyone. If you feel stressed about doing this during the act, set some time aside outside the bedroom to talk about this with your partner in an environment where you’ll feel more comfortable.

2. Switch things up

   Remember the strawberries- Sometimes you just want to try a different fruit! To increase sex drive, talk with your partner about some things you want to try or incorporate. Ask if there’s something new they’d like to try. Sometimes just the act of having a sexy brainstorming session together can get the creative and sexual juices flowing. Then take action! Make the time to try a new sex position, incorporate a new sex toy, try a different room of the house, or even have sex at a new time of day.

3. Connect with your partner

   Remember, your sex drive is impacted by more than just what happens during sex. How connected you feel to your partner can impact your interest in and response to sexual situations. Connecting through sexy conversations can be fun, but it can also be helpful to connect in ways outside the bedroom. Spend some time doing something new or different together. Novelty has a way to helping us feel a deeper bond. Spend time together without distractions (I’m looking at you, phone) so you can really be present and connect in a deeper way. Engage in meaningful conversations about things you both feel passionate about. These all help set the stage for a sexy time.

4. Manage stress

   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- Stress kills sex. If you experience some type of stress every day, take time every day to manage this. Work stress? Incorporate an end-of-day routine to help you transition out of the work mindset. Relationship stress? Work to communicate and be present with your partner. Financial stress? Set manageable goals and get organized in a way that works for you. Most importantly, leave your worries at the bedroom door. They’ll still be there for you when you get done and you’ll be in a better mindset to handle them after some sexy fun!

5. Physical activity

   Struggling to manage those stressors? Physical activity can help in many ways: it lowers stress, it increases connection when done with another person, and it’s good for your heart and blood flow (which you’ll need for sexual response!). Pro tip: Do physical activity that works for you and you enjoy. Hate running? Then don’t run! The whole goal is to decrease stress, not stress you out more. Physical activity is a helpful outlet but for this to be sustainable, aim for it to be something you enjoy. Take a walk in a local park, take a dance class, try an online yoga class, or do some light stretching on the comfort of your living room floor. Put aside the judgment of what you think you “should” be doing and just do what feels good. That’ll help keep you motivated and be way more helpful in the long run.

6. Be mindful and present

   We live in a world full of distractions. There’s a whole world of knowledge right at our fingertips at any given moment. While this is amazing, it can also be a pretty big distraction. Take some time to slow down and appreciate the present moment. This can be especially helpful if you’ve been feeling disconnected from your body and feel like it doesn’t respond the way you want it to during sex. Try some slow, deliberate breathing and practice staying present and connecting to the activity, sensations, sounds, and scents of the moment.

7. Sleep

   When you don’t get good sleep, you’re more irritable, impulsive, have difficulty concentrating, and don’t feel your best physically. None of which sounds like a good recipe to increase sex drive. If you have trouble sleeping, try shifting your nighttime routine to set you up for better sleep. Do something calming before bed like reading or taking a shower. Dim the lights or turn unnecessary ones off. Disconnect from electronics an hour before bed and give yourself adequate time to get your 8 hours. Getting some extra Z’s can help your body feel more rested and relaxed, which is a good recipe for increasing sex drive.

8. Talk with a Sex Therapist

   If you’ve tried a lot of the above ideas and haven’t had much luck, it may be helpful to talk with a professional. A sex therapist can help you further understand your sexual response cycle, identify which phase is most affected, what else may be causing low libido, and ways to shift problematic dynamics so you can increase sex drive. They can help you recognize unhelpful patterns that are keeping you stuck and find specific ways to address these so you can experience more pleasure. Having a safe space to discuss this and find better outlets, connections, etc. could be the boost you need!

Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA

If you’re interested in learning more about your sexual response cycle and sex drive, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.