10 Tips to Decrease Stress and Increase Sex Drive
Part 4 of 4: The stress response and low sex drive. I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist and couples therapist, here to help you lower stress and increase sex drive. If you haven’t already, check out:
Part I- The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive?
Part II- Sex and Stress: The stress response and low sex drive relationship
Part III- Stressed about low sex drive? The #1 thing most people get wrong
So far in this series, we’ve talked a lot about how the stress response can get in the way in the bedroom and cause a low sex drive.
You’ve also learned that focusing only on low libido will only get you so far. So today, let’s talk more about calming your stress response so you have the time and energy to focus on having more sexy fun (and increase sex drive!).
Quick review- the stress response is physical and affects your low sex drive.
Just like when your stomach growls when you’re hungry or your mouth feels dry when you’re thirsty, your body gives you cues when stressed. This could be things like headaches, jaw tension, muscle tension, a racing heart, lack of appetite, lots of energy (think adrenaline), difficulty sleeping from all that adrenaline, trouble concentrating, and, you guessed it, low sex drive.
Take a minute to think about how the stress response feels and affects your sex drive.
Where do you first notice stress? When do you first notice it? What do you feel/notice in your body if the stress continues?
Now that the physical effects are fresh in your mind, let’s talk about what to do when you notice these.
10 tips to help decrease stress and increase sex drive from a Philadelphia Sex Therapist:
Physical activity
This is the most effective tool because it’s addressing the physical stress response with a physical outlet. Go for a run, bike, or jump on the elliptical and get moving. This can trick your body into thinking you are running or fighting off the threat and allow your parasympathetic nervous system to come back online. Also, the better you feel in and about your body, the better impact on your sex drive.
Breathe
You’re already doing this, but more focused attention on your breath can help in times of stress. Close your eyes or go outside and take 10 deep, slow breaths. Or try box breathing (used by the Navy Seals so you know it’s good) and inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and hold for a count of 4. Repeat 5-10 times.
Try a body scan
Close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths. Scan your body to see where you notice tension/discomfort. Notice a headache? Try massaging your temples and take a break from screens for a bit. Tense shoulders? Try rolling them out and doing some light neck stretches. Upset stomach? Drink some water and have a small, healthy snack. Racing heart/heaviness in your chest? Do some deep breathing and focus on filling and emptying your lungs. This is a great exercise for getting to know your bodily sensations better. This will be a huge help when it comes to sex drive.
Reach out to your supports
Positive social interaction can be great in times of stress because we feel safe in numbers and around those we care about. We’re more likely to survive that lion wandering into camp when there are others around to help fight it off. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out the second post in this series: Sex and Stress: The stress response and low sex drive relationship. Reach out to a friend or two and set up a coffee date, go out to dinner, or meet up for a hike. If you’re in a committed relationship, do something to connect with your partner. This will help you manage stress and feel more connected, both of which help with libido.
Spend time in nature
Your brain is hardwired to look for repeating patterns (fractals) and it finds comfort in this. There are tons of these in nature so get out there and check out the repeating veins in a leaf, repeating landscape of trees in a forest, or continuous lap of waves in a river/lake. Getting out in the fresh air and sunlight can also help increase mood, setting you on an even better track for increased sex drive.
Connect with people physically
We live in a remote-friendly world, but this doesn’t mean connecting with people in real life is any less important. Hugging or kissing someone you care about (or pets!) can cause a physiological response, making it easier for you to lower stress. Make an effort to hug someone you care about, hold hands, or cuddle up with your fur baby on the couch. And connecting with a partner physically will help build intimacy, which is helpful for increased sex drive.
Find a good humorous outlet
Laughing releases endorphins that literally make you feel happier and therefore can help lower your stress response. It’s also important sometimes to not take yourself too seriously and get out of your own head. Find a new comedy show or movie, look up your favorite funny videos on youtube, or reminisce with someone about a funny shared memory.
Cry it out
Not feeling very humorous? Try another emotional outlet and let yourself cry. If you’ve ever had a good, big cry, you know it can feel like a release. When your body is stressed, it’s holding all that tension inside. Crying can be a really good outlet to let some of that out and just be in the moment.
Progressive muscle relaxation
Sit in a comfortable position with your feet on the floor. Take 5 deep, calming breaths to start. Focus your attention on your feet and tense them for a full breath in, then relax them on the exhale. Move your attention up to your calves and tense them for a full inhale, and relax them fully on the exhale. Continue this throughout your body and major muscle groups. End with five deep breaths. Pro tip- this can be helpful to do in bed if you’re struggling to sleep.
Do something creative
Somethings just thinking about stress and feeling the accompanying emotions isn’t enough to complete the cycle. Having a creative outlet gives your body another way to express itself and let go of the stress it’s still holding inside. Try painting, coloring, listening to or making music, dancing, baking, gardening, or anything that will help use the creative part of your brain.
For more info on completing your stress response cycle, there’s a great Brené Brown podcast with Emily and Amelia Nagoski. They discuss the importance of communicating to your body that it’s safe and talk more about some of the above examples. You can check out the podcast here.
Long-term stress has serious consequences, more than just low sex drive.
It suppresses your immune system, opening you up to be sicker, longer. It also increases your blood pressure, putting more stress on your heart. These are only two examples of some of the serious health concerns it can cause. The stress response is a helpful one with immediate threats, but it is not meant to be activated long term. It’s important to manage stressors so they don’t cause lasting damage to your sex drive, health, and overall life. Start getting in the habit of checking in with your body throughout the day and doing small things to address what you notice.
Talk with a Sex Therapist in Philadelphia, PA
There’s a good chance your threat response has been activated for quite a while. So it’s no wonder it’s impacting your sex drive. A sex therapist can help you identify how the stress response is impacting your libido and manage stress so you can increase sex drive.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to calm your stress response and increase sex drive, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual stress response and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low desire, differential desires, low sex drive, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
