Stressed about low sex drive? The #1 thing most people get wrong

Part 3 of 4: The stress response and low sex drive. I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist and couples therapist, here to help you lower stress and increase sex drive. If you haven’t already, check out:

Part I- The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive?

Part II- Sex and Stress: The stress response and low sex drive relationship

Sex can be a super awesome, connective, fun experience.

It can help bring you closer to your partner. It has a ton of health benefits like helping lower blood pressure and stress hormones and helping relax you. It can feel really good, both physically and emotionally. And sex is dynamic. It can be so many different things- exciting, adventurous, calming, relaxing, creative, entertaining, slow, fast, loving, and passionate.

Sex can also be stressful, especially when you have a low sex drive.

And once the stress response starts, it’s not so awesome, connective, and fun anymore. In post II of this series, Sex and Stress: The stress response and low sex drive relationship, I shared this example series of unfortunate sexy events:

Lately, you haven’t been feeling as much desire and have noticed a low sex drive. It’s come up with your partner, and you want to want more sex, but it just hasn’t been happening. Has something changed in your relationship, causing you to feel this way? Are you not as attracted to your partner? Is something wrong with you physically? As soon as these worries start, your sympathetic nervous system ramps up and releases stress hormones (think adrenaline). This is the opposite of what you need for a fun, sexy time. Even worse, this stress has started to grow. Suddenly, you’re stressing about it while lying in bed and can’t sleep (adrenaline does that). Now you’re tired and cranky and can’t communicate as well. This causes you to be less patient and more irritable, so now you’re fighting with your partner more. So and so forth. Now it really is a threat to your relationship, which activates even more stress, making sex even less of a realistic possibility.

This example comes from common experiences I hear about sex stress and low sex drive from my sex therapy clients in Philadelphia, PA.

And here, I would argue the problem isn’t the sex at all. The problems are all the sexual pressure, self-judgment, expectations, and internal negative dialogue. They’re showing up strong and getting in the way of awesome sex. What I’ve found through my work as a sex therapist is that most people do one thing when having sexual issues and low sex drive, and it’s not always very helpful.

The #1 mistake people make when stressed about low sex drive:

They focus solely on the sex.

Sometimes physical health issues are the problem, and if that’s the case, you should focus on these. If you’ve had a change in health, sexual problems came on suddenly, and/or if there’s pain during sex, consult with a medical provider.

But if your frustrations with sex or low sex drive came on gradually, are sometimes present and sometimes not, and don’t cause pain but leave you feeling confused and dissatisfied, keep reading. It can be tempting to avoid the real issues and laser focus on the sex, blocking everything else out. You might do things like wearing something sexy, having sex in a different room, and trying new positions/toys/lubes/etc. This can be helpful for some, but if you’ve tried stuff like this and it hasn’t worked, it could be because you’re focusing your energy in the wrong area. Keep reading to see why these ideas aren’t helping increase sex drive.

Very commonly, external stressors come into the bedroom without you even realizing it: work stress, relationship problems, attachment issues, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, etc. By focusing on the sex you miss all these other areas that are having a BIG impact on you, and therefore, your sex life. If you read my previous post about sex and stress, you know stress is a physical response that interferes with your sexual response. When your body feels stress, it’s reacting to a threat, and this is a killer for sexual response. If you don’t take some time and energy to address your stressors so your body can slow down from the fight/flight/freeze response, it makes it really tough for your body to pick up on sexual cues and become aroused. It’s like stepping on the gas pedal when you have the hand brake on. You might make some movement, but it’s going to be a lot tougher to get to where you want to go.

So why is focusing only on sex not helping increase low sex drive? Let’s pull from the above examples:

Wearing something you feel sexy in can help get that gas pedal engaged. But if you’re wearing that sexy outfit because you’ve been feeling disconnected from your partner, and if they don’t acknowledge the effort you put in or respond in the way you hoped, this could end up making you feel more disconnected and slamming on that brake.

If you’ve been feeling really overwhelmed at work and it’s been difficult for you to turn that off when you come home (bonus points if you work from home), it doesn’t matter what room of the house you have sex in. Work is going to be there in the back of your mind (or even the front) and this will make it hard to stay present and engaged.

You can try all sorts of new positions, toys, and lubes, but if you’re having difficulties communicating with your partner, none of this stuff will matter. You’ll just be more nervous, stressed, and anxious about these newly added elements and may have even more difficulty communicating.

When these things happen and the stress response kicks in, it’s really hard for your brain and body to shift into sexy mode. Your body feels the need to address the stressor first because it’s trying to keep you alive. During times of stress, sex is a luxury your body can’t afford. And focusing only on the sex when it’s not the main issue means you’re not going to get very good sexy results, you’ll get frustrated, and now will be adding to your stress instead of alleviating it. The more pressure you put on sex, the more elusive it will be. All of which will not help you have better sex or increase sex drive. Because again, sex isn’t the main problem.

So what do you do? Manage stressors.

In the above examples, it’d be more helpful to address the disconnection you’re feeling with your partner, the work stressors, and the communication issues. Take a look at your life with curiosity. When and where do you feel your best? When and where do you feel most stressed? Identify the areas that are causing you stress and work to mitigate those. I say take a look with curiosity because I don’t want you to judge what’s happening. Whatever is happening now is happening. Judging it won’t change that. But being curious about what’s happening, how it’s affecting you, and what you could shift, can change things. Judging only starts the stress response, and that’s the opposite of what we want to happen for increased libido.

And let the sex and libido stress take a back seat for a while. I mean, you’ve probably got a lot you could stress about so do it in a way that’s helpful- prioritize! It’s all connected so making changes in one area will affect all the others. Once you have a better handle on your main stressors and you can more effectively manage how they’re affecting you, then start to bring your sexy goals back in. By doing things in this order, you’ll manage your stress response, alleviate the pressure on the brakes, and make it easier to really give it gas, stay present, and enjoy sex when it happens, all leading to increased sex drive.

Sex Therapy in Philadelphia, PA

I hope this gives you a better idea of how stressing about sex is keeping you stuck. If you’re still stressed and are interested in learning more about libido and what could help click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your experience with stress and sex and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist.

If you’re interested in how managing stress can boost your low sex drive through individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low desire, differential desires, low sex drive, sexual communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.