Communicating: Why it's tough and 4 key steps to communicating better
Communication in relationships can be tough. Does the following scenario sound familiar?
You have a thought that seems really clear and easy to understand in your head. You try to tell your partner about it and for some reason they have a tough time following what you’re saying. They might respond in a way that feels off and now you wonder if they were even really listening. You then respond with a little frustration (maybe more than a little) and pretty soon the original thought is gone and now you’re arguing about whether or not they were listening to you and (ironically) now neither of you are listening to the other. What started as a misunderstanding has ended in a lot of frustration.
So why is communicating so difficult at times? Because communicating effectively is a whole lot more than just saying what’s on your mind. Let’s start with breaking down the 3 main types of communication.
Types of Communication
Verbal Communication
This is what we tend to think of when we think of communication. It’s what you say, but it’s also how you say it. Saying “what do you think” to your partner in a curious, caring tone indicates you want to hear what they have to say and you’re inviting them to share their thoughts. Saying “what do you think” while sneering and thick with sarcasm communicates a very different message: your question was rhetorical and you don’t really care to hear their thoughts. When thinking about verbal communication, remember it’s not just what you say, but also how you say it. Tone is important.
Nonverbal Communication
The majority of our communication is actually nonverbal, which includes all the information that you communicate that isn’t verbal. This can be things like nodding along when your partner is talking to you to show you’re listening. Maintaining eye contact to show engagement and you’re paying attention. Reaching out to touch your partner when they’re talking about something difficult or frustrating to show you support and appreciate that they’re sharing with you. Leaning in to show you’re engaged. Nonverbal cues are great ways you can communicate to your partner that you’re listening and care what they have to say.
Written Communication
Written communication is a popular one nowadays with things like text and email. It can be a great way to share information quickly and simply. But there can also be a lot lost in translation. Getting a text that simply says “ok” can have vastly different meanings depending on how you read that. It could be a simple acknowledgment, or it can be a rude, dismissive response. Here’s a great Key and Peele skit called Text Message Confusion that sums up the loss of context in written text in a humorous way.
So now that you know the main types of communication, consider which areas tend to be the most difficult for you and your partner. Something that can help in this reflection is considering where disruptions happen for you and your partner when communicating and listening. I think about it like sending signals (i.e. talking) and receiving signals (i.e. listening). Sometimes you might send a certain signal but it is received in a way you didn’t intend, and vice versa. For example, saying something in a joking manner that actually hurts your partner’s feelings. (Note: joking in this example is actual joking, not taking passive-aggressive jabs.) The signal you were sending was meant to be light-hearted, joking, and funny. However, the signal they received was one that was biting, harsh, and rude. So how can you communicate more clearly?
Enter, the I-statement.
Communicating Effectively
Communicating more effectively can help in a lot of areas, but I’m going to focus here on communicating during times of conflict. All couples have their hot button topics they tend to fight about over and over again and rarely feel any resolve. What can happen during these times are you turn against each other and start battling each other, instead of battling the problem. I-statements can help keep you focused, grounded, speak honestly about what you’re feeling, and keep you both on the same team. They shift from an external, aggressive way of communicating (“you always…”) to an internal, assertive way (“I’m frustrated when…”). And they help decrease defenses and open up conversations in a way that’s easier to resolve, instead of going around and around and continuing to feel you’re not getting anywhere with the issue or being heard.
I-statements: 4 key components to communicating effectively
State the feeling: “I feel…”
Take a minute to consider how you’re feeling before you start talking. This helps you check in with yourself and respond more assertively, rather than reacting and blurting out something aggressive you wish you could take back or didn’t mean. It also helps you communicate to your partner what’s going on with you, because they may have NO idea you’re feeling the way you are.
State the other person’s behavior: “…when you…”
Consider what the behavior was that upset you. Be mindful not to name call or blame here. “I feel angry when you’re stupid” is not an I-statement. Saying that isn’t going to open up the conversation or be productive. Instead, think about what it was that upset you and communicate what the specific behavior was clearly.
1. Share the effect this had on you: “…because…”
This gives you a chance to share what’s important about this situation. If you just share your feeling and the behavior that caused it, your partner doesn’t have the full context for the effect their behavior had on you and why it’s important to you. This is where they really get to hear about your experience and have the opportunity to have a better understanding of where you’re coming from.
1. End with an ask/request: “I need…”
Neither of you is a mind reader. Telling your partner what you’re thinking, feeling, and why is great, but that doesn’t let them know what you need, either in the moment or from them moving forward. Sharing that with them takes out the guesswork so they can meet your needs and you can feel supported more easily. Skipping this step often leaves couples feeling frustrated, as they worked to be vulnerable and share in steps 1-3, but feel that lack of resolve because there’s no action plan.
Example of a complete I-statement:
“I feel angry when you walk away during arguments because it makes me feel like what I’m saying isn’t important. I need to feel supported when things get tough and like we’re in this together. Instead of walking away, let’s come up with a way to implement a time-out.”
Compare the above statement with “you always walk away!” This short, harsh statement feels very different, right? If I were to yell that in an argument, it actually takes away all my power. Now, instead of my partner wanting to understand where I’m coming from and resolve the issue, they’re on the defensive. They may respond with “no I don’t!” and now you’re fighting about them walking away and not giving any attention to how it makes you feel. Using I-statements lets you have arguments in a way that’s more helpful, respectful, and allows you to move forward together. That sounds a lot better than continuing to battle each other, right??
And remember, communication is a lot more than just what you say. Keep in mind the tone and how you’re saying what you’re saying. Consider how a text might come across. If you’re not sure how to write it out, wait until you’re in person to talk about it. And when you’re on the flip side and working to listen, remember to use active listening skills with your nonverbals to show you’re present and interested. At the end of the day, we all want to feel important, heard, and supported. Making some of these small shifts today can result in big changes that help you in communicating effectively and more easily in the long run!
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