Low sex drive? Increase libido and have better sex by learning about your desire
Sexual desire. It can seem allusive at times. Consider the following:
You’ve been feeling fairly connected to your partner lately. You go out on a nice date where you engage in some of your favorite activities and have good, flowing conversations. You had a really good time and want to continue connecting, but as you’re going home and start thinking about sex, you notice that you don’t really feel like sex. Like, you don’t feel horny in the slightest. And this is confusing because you just had such a good time together and are feeling connected, so why don’t you feel like having sex?
Is it low sex drive or just the wrong view of your desire?
Experiencing low sex drive and low libido is a common experience and one you’re not alone in.
It can make you feel disconnected from your body, from your partner, and feel like there’s something majorly wrong. However, just because you don’t feel like having sex at any given time doesn’t mean you’re having an issue with your sex drive. It could be that you’re looking at desire in a backward way so how you’re trying to engage in sex isn’t working for you. Note: If you’ve been experiencing difficulty with low libido for an extended period and have any pain or discomfort during sex, that’s worth seeing a professional and getting checked out. There may be other issues at play that need to be addressed before sexual desire.
Desire can seem finicky and confusing and make zero sense sometimes. Sometimes you might be really into sex when you didn’t know you were horny, and something you can feel like you want to have sex but your body isn’t lubricating or getting erect the way you’d like. This can feel leave you feeling like there’s something wrong with you. But I’m going to let you in on a secret: chances are your desire is perfect just the way it is. You may just be trying to engage in sex in a way that doesn’t work for your desire. If you’re thinking wtf does that mean, you’re in the right place. Read on.
Increase Sex Drive by Understanding Your Desire
There are 2 main types of sexual desire: responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Understanding which type you typically experience can help you alleviate some of the self-imposed pressure. But it can also help you engage in sex in a way that’s more fun, stimulating, and rewarding, leading to increased desire and better sex. You may experience a little bit of both, or have experienced both at different points of your life or relationships. Check out the 2 types below and try to be curious, not judgmental, and consider which one sounds most like you.
Spontaneous Desire: Desire -> Arousal
Spontaneous desire is what you typically see in movies: the leading duo are really into each other and suddenly end up in a dark alley, hallway, or back room, and just go at it. They get caught up in the throes of passion, tear each other’s clothes off, and just have to have each other immediately. It’s like a sudden wave of sexual desire sweeps them up and all they can think about is sex. And some people experience this, though typically on a less theatrical scale.
You may have this type of desire if your sex drive and appetite for sex seem to come on suddenly and seemingly on their own. You may not need a lot of outside stimulation to feel an increase in sex drive. A certain scent, sound, or visual may rev the engines and suddenly you’re off to the races. You may notice you feel a desire for sex at a certain time of day, regardless of if you were thinking about sex or not. Desire just seems to be a feeling that comes on naturally and communicates to you that you want sex.
Important note on spontaneous sex:
It’s common for people to feel they have more spontaneous desire early in relationships and then notice a shift. If this fits for you, consider that some sex therapy professionals would challenge that sexual desire isn’t fully spontaneous. Think about what it was like to have sex early on in your relationship. You may have felt like the desire came on more easily and more suddenly. However, there were subtle things that were happening and that you were doing that helped increase sex drive and set the stage for better sex. You may have been more aware of your appearance and wore something that made you feel confident, sexy, or desirable. You may have put on sexy underwear, just in case your partner would be seeing them. You may have worn your favorite perfume or cologne. You may have been more flirty or touchy-feely during dates. All these actions help fuel sexual desire, but you may not have been consciously aware at the time so the sexual desire felt more spontaneous in the moment.
This doesn’t mean you lack desire. It just means there has been a shift in how desire shows up for you. And if you’re not feeling the same ease with sexual desire as you were early in the relationship, that doesn’t mean you can’t get it back. Knowing this shift is ordinary and common in long-term relationships can help you reflect on what was exciting early in the relationship and put more effort into doing, wearing, and talking about things that fuel your desire.
Responsive Desire: Arousal -> Desire
Responsive desire is exactly what it sounds like: desire shows up in response to arousing sexual stimuli. This tends to be a lesser-known and talked about desire, but is just as important and prevalent as spontaneous desire. For people who experience this type of desire, they may not experience the sudden wave of unprompted desire to seek out sex. And this can lead to judgment and feeling like responsive desire isn’t as good or effective as spontaneous desire. However, this is not a helpful mindset. If you subscribe to these ideals (and if you do I can’t blame you because we don’t see this desire depicted anywhere so it can feel isolating) it’s going to make increasing sex drive, desire, and having better sex more difficult. Because you’re trying to show up and force your desire in a way that doesn’t work for you.
You may have this type of desire if you find yourself not seeking sex out, but once you notice or experience something sexual, interesting, or intriguing you find yourself getting aroused. You may feel you have a low sex drive or low libido, but once engaging in sex you enjoy yourself. You may notice that you agree to fool around with your partner despite not feeling fully committed, but then notice the foreplay is actually kind of working for you. You may notice the more sexual things you engage in, the more into the experience you are. Once you hear your partner start to moan in response to your touch or feel the sensation of their hands on your body, you notice you get more and more interested. You find that you want to do more sexy things and seek out more stimulation.
Important note on lubrication and erections for those experiencing responsive desire:
Foreplay is your friend. Since your desire shows up differently than those with spontaneous desire, you may be on a slightly different clock. Again, totally ordinary. This doesn’t mean you have low sex drive. It just means it may take a little longer for you to become fully engaged, stimulated, lubricated/erect. This is simply because your body isn’t switching in sex mode until the sexy stuff starts happening so be kind, patient, and enjoy the warm-up. And seeking spontaneous sex is not your friend because that’s just not how your body responds. Putting pressure on yourself to want sex spontaneously isn’t only unhelpful, it can get in your way and start the stress response instead. This in turn can lead to low libido and avoidance of sex. For more info on this, check out the first in my part series on sex and stress: The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive?
Increase Sex Drive and Have Better Sex by Playing to Your Desire
More often than not, when someone is struggling with sexual desire, it’s because it feels like the desire just isn’t showing up. This tends to be less common with those experiencing spontaneous desire and more common with those experiencing responsive desire. The tips below can help those experiencing responsive desire shift how they view and go about seeking and engaging in pleasurable sex. If you’re someone who’s experiencing spontaneous desire and would like some tips, leave a comment or reach out for more info.
5 Tips to Increase Sex Drive with Responsive Desire
Reflect on your favorite sexual experiences and look for themes
Take some time and think about your 3 favorite, hottest, or most fond sexual experiences. They can be with a partner or solo. Consider things like the environment, time of day, and time of year. Think about how you were feeling emotionally and physically. What were you doing earlier in the day or right before? If you were with a partner, what was your relationship like with them at the time? What sexual activities took place and what was it you enjoyed about them? Once you’ve reflected on each memory, identify some themes across these experiences. These can help increase sex drive by identifying what helps set the stage for your desire, making it easier for you to engage your sexual response cycle with more ease.
Talk about sex with your partner and communicate what you like
Ask yourself what types of sensations and activities you like leading up to and throughout sex. You’ll have a head start if you considered some of these sensations in the above fond sexual memories reflection. These can give insight into your turn-ons and help give you ideas of what to incorporate during foreplay. If that feels too broad, consider the five senses and think about what you like to see, smell, taste, feel, and hear during sex. Then talk about sex with your partner. This can help alleviate some of the stress associated with sex, but also helps take out the guesswork for them, because you’ve told them what leads to better sex with you! The more you share about what you like, the easier it is for your partner to give/do those things. This makes it easier for your responsive desire to pick up on sexy cues and respond to sexy stimuli once it notices them.
Scheduled sex can lead to better sex
This may sound like a very unsexy, boring tip, but hear me out. Instead of stressing about when sex will happen or putting pressure on yourself to just wait for your desire to show up, you can plan for and look forward to sex instead. This can help disrupt the waiting game you may be in with your desire and encourage you to take action. Remember not to put pressure on yourself to perform a certain way or at a certain pace. Patience and exploration are key for better sex. Sex can involve a lot of different activities too so give yourself permission to explore, rather than setting restrictive guidelines, as these can lead to judgments (not having penetrative sex, orgasming, or having to use lube = failure). For more help on shifting this mindset, check out Problems with Low Sex Drive? Find a better mindset for better sex.
Manage stress
The stress response is a killer of sexual response. If you’re experiencing judgment about how your desire is showing up, you’re not alone. Since responsive desire isn’t talked about often, many people don’t know it’s a thing and just feel like their desire isn’t functioning properly. This can lead them to believe they have a low sex drive when they really don’t, they’re just not leaving enough room for their desire to show up. Recognizing these feelings can be helpful because once you’re aware of unhelpful thoughts, you can work to shift them. If sex or desire is causing stress, don’t shy away from that. Instead, honestly take a look at what the stressors are and consider what you can do to change those. Then take action to shift those. The more stress you feel, the more allusive your desire will be, so taking steps to manage stress can help increase sex drive and lead to better sex.
Talk with a Sex Therapist
There can be a lot of difficult feelings like shame, guilt, and embarrassment that come up when you experience responsive desire. Instead of fearing those emotions, consider that they may be trying to communicate an unmet need or unfulfilled value. Getting to the root of these helps open up more energy for better sex and increase libido. But sometimes these emotions can be painful and judgments can be very ingrained. A sex therapist can help support you as you make sense of your experiences, listen to what your emotions are trying to communicate, and shift your behaviors. All of this can decrease stress and increase sex drive. Sex therapy can help you learn to seize the opportunity when presented because you look forward to sex!
The most important thing you can do when exploring your desire is to be kind to yourself. Everyone’s body responds differently to sex and everyone has a different relationship with desire. To have better sex it’s important to let go of what you think should happen, and focus more and what you’d like to happen and what you enjoy. By playing to your desire, you’ll be able to engage in sex in a way that’s more enjoyable, pleasurable, and fun. And if you haven’t already, take the free quiz below to learn your desire type and get specific feedback you can use today to increase desire and better sex.
Get Your Free Guide to Increase Low Sex Drive
Free Sex Therapy Phonecall in Philadelphia, PA
If you’ve tried all this and still feel frustrated with your desire, or simply want to learn more about how desire shows up for you (or doesn’t), click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
