Sex and the Holidays: 5 tips to help you and your partner manage stress
I’m Erinn, your couples therapist and sex therapist in Philadelphia, and today I’m here with Part 1 of 3 in the Sex and the Holidays Series. This first part is about managing the stress of the holidays with your partner and how this can help your sex drive.
Watch the video here.
Sex and the Holidays
Now, the holidays are great, and time with family and loved ones is great. But some stressors can come along with increased time with family or friends, increased expectations, and just being out of routine.
But also, this is a good time to practice navigating these things as a team in your relationship and working to support each other. I have 5 tips for you today to help you recognize how this stuff affects your sex life, manage the stress that can up this time of year, and stay connected to each other.
5 Tips to Boost Sex Drive and Desire During the Holidays
Recognize you’ll be out of routine
Especially if you’re traveling or have others staying with you, things are going to be different for a while. Being honest with yourself and accepting this can go a long way in helping you manage your expectations. For most, this can feel a little disorienting and lead to decreased sex drive. So, recognizing that lower sex drive during this time is natural and common can help you alleviate some of those judgments that may come up if you’re not feeling in the mood lately.
Set boundaries
Every friend group, and definitely every family, has some dynamics that can be stressful. And stress is a killer for sex drive. To learn more about the sex and stress relationship, check out The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive? The holidays are a period of time when there are typically more functions and expectations put on you. Talk with your partner about what’s realistic in terms of what you can attend and say no when you can’t. And, some guilt can come up with this, especially if you don’t want to let anyone down. But please recognize you’re one person, juggling many things, and it’s okay to set some boundaries around that. Because if the stress of these things is draining you, there’s nothing left at the end of the day for your desire.
Focus on what’s within your control
When you’re at these functions and notice the conversation is taking a turn or someone’s starting to push your buttons or whatever it is, shift to focus on what’s within your control. You can’t control what Aunt Sue is saying and her political views. But you can control how you respond and how you engage in that conversation. And sometimes that means walking away, and that’s okay. If you know going into something that there might be some stressful dynamics, make a plan with your partner. The more you can share in these together, the more support you can get or give, and the more connected you can feel, which is important for your sex life.
Spend time with those you’re excited to see
At any social function, there are probably people you’re more excited to see than others. That’s natural. You can spend time with whomever you like, but it can be helpful to focus on the positive relationships and the ones that fill you up rather, rather than those that drag you down. Because if you spend all night in stressful conversations that drain you, you probably not going to feel super sexy or have much desire, because you’re exhausted and maybe feel really negative. So instead, focus on what fills you up, so you can focus on what fills you up.
Remember, you can’t change the system
You can’t change the whole of your family’s dynamics, how people celebrate the holidays, who’s coming, topics of conversation, whatever. And you don’t have to do or say or be a part of anything you don’t want to. It’s not your responsibility to change the system. It can be tempting, especially if you don’t like the system, but that can be really draining. Try focusing on what you’re looking forward to, talk with your partner about the types of support you’ll both need during, and how to connect afterward. Because if you get frustrated taking on all the crap of everyone else that isn’t yours, that’s going to get in the way of your desire and ability to connect with your partner. So, give that crap back, focus on what’s enjoyable, and connect in a way that’s meaningful to you.
At the end of the day, the holidays can be stressful, but they can also be a good time to connect with people you don’t see often, celebrate, uphold traditions, and connect in different ways with your partner. So, start with talking with your partner about some of the things here and how stress might show up for you during the holidays, how that can affect your sex drive, and how you want to stay connected. And if you’d like some more ideas, come back next time for part 2 where I’ll share more tips on how to stay connected to your partner during this season to help with that sex drive and desire.
Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA
If you want to learn more about how the holidays impact your sex drive and desire, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out if sex therapy would be helpful for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
