Say What?! How to Talk to Your Partner About Low Sex Drive and Get Support
I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia Sex Therapist & Coach, and I recognize talking with your partner about intimate topics like low sex drive can be challenging, stressful, and scary.
10 Tips to Help You Talk to Your Partner About Low Sex Drive:
Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Want to increase low sex drive? Start by talking about it.
Open and honest communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. And being honest about your current sex drive, even if it’s decreased, can help you and your partner navigate this together.
Knowing where to start and what to say in these conversations can be scary because you may not even know what’s going on yourself. This can bring up worries about your relationship, judgments about yourself as a partner, and fear of rejecting or hurting your partner. Have no fear because all these feelings are more common than you may think and I’m here to help you through this. Check out the tips below to give you a jumping-off point.
10 Tips to Help You Talk to Your Partner About Low Sex Drive
Choose the Right Time and Place
Finding a good time and place to have this conversation is essential. This goes for you AND I’d encourage you to be aware of the emotional state of your partner. If you’ve had a stressful day or if they seem overwhelmed, that’s not the best time to broach this topic. Avoid bringing up the topic during moments of stress, tension, or conflict. Instead, find a relaxed and private setting where both of you can talk openly without distractions or interruptions.
Pro tip: Schedule a time ahead to have this conversation. Scheduling it can help you get prepared because you have a specific time set aside for this and you know when it’s coming. If you’re comfortable, let your partner know you want to discuss intimacy as putting this on their radar can help take some of the pressure off during the talk since they know what the topic is. If that feels like too much, simply tell them you’d like to have some time to chat about things that have been on your mind.
Be Honest and Self-Reflective
Challenge yourself to come into the conversation with honesty and self-reflection. Low sex drive doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and if you notice yourself thinking that, check out this post to bust some of those myths and sexpectations. Acknowledge your feelings and experiences without placing blame on yourself or your partner. Changes in desire are nobody’s fault, they’re a natural and expected part of sexual health. Remind yourself that a change in sex drive, and experiencing low sex drive at some point in your life is a normal aspect of sexuality, and it doesn’t define your worth or love for your partner.
Use "I" Statements
Once you’re in the conversation, talk about yourself. I’d guess your partner wants to know what’s going on for you and what this experience has been like, so stay focused on you, not them. Communicate your feelings using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory or critical. This could look like: "I've noticed my sex drive has been lower lately, and I’ve been stressed about how it’s impacting our relationship" instead of "You get annoyed when I don’t want to have sex." As soon as you use a “you” statement about your partner, defenses go up and that’s not helpful for either of you. It shuts down brainstorming you could do together and leads to battling each other. So, stay open and talk about how YOU feel.
Express Your Needs and Desires
Think about what you’d like to be different about your sex life and share this with your partner. Let them know how you’d like to navigate the situation together and what you need from them to feel supported. And be as clear as you can about what kind of support and understanding you’re looking for from them during this time. Saying “I’d like your support” doesn’t tell them much about what that support looks like and what you need. Instead, get specific with something like “I’d like to check in about this weekly because I’m feeling really alone and overwhelmed right now.”
Pro tip: Focus on what you’d LIKE to happen, instead of what you DON’T want to happen. This feels more motivating and can help you both come up with more tangible ideas of what would help you feel more connected, feel more pleasurable, increase sex drive, etc.
Listen Actively
When talking with your partner about your low sex drive, remember this is also an opportunity to hear your partner’s thoughts and feelings. They know you really well and may have some insightful, supportive, interesting things to say that can help you look at things through a different lens. Practice active listening and be receptive to their perspective. Allow them to express their concerns and questions without interrupting or becoming defensive. Remember, intimacy in your relationship isn’t only important to you, it’s also important to your partner.
Avoid Making Assumptions
Avoid making assumptions about how your partner might react to the news. This can lead you to avoid the topic even more, especially if you’re worried they’ll feel hurt or rejected. Remember, low sex drive and drop in desire aren’t anyone’s fault. It’s the reality of being a human and it’s something you need to navigate. But the fear of your partner’s reaction may keep you from being honest, and the resulting stress and pressure of this can decrease sex drive even further. Each person's response to the conversation will be unique, and it is essential to give both of you space to process the information.
Be Empathetic and Understanding
Acknowledge that your partner might have their own emotions and reactions to the situation. Chances are they have similar goals, like increased intimacy, better sex, more connection, etc. But if this is the first time you’ve talked with them about low sex drive, they may be caught off guard, confused, or have some tough feelings around this (like worrying it’s their fault or you’re not attracted to them anymore). Be empathetic and understanding, even if they find the topic difficult to discuss initially. Remember that you are in this together, and working as a team can strengthen your bond.
Boost Other Types of Intimacy
Remind yourself, and your partner, that a low sex drive doesn’t mean there’s something terribly wrong in your relationship or that you love each other any less. There are many different types of intimacy so while you’re navigating this conversation, and working to increase desire, focus on boosting intimacy in other areas, like emotional or physical intimacy. Check out how to boost these and other types of intimacy here. Talk about the importance of the different types of intimacy to both of you, what would feel good to boost in your relationship, and how you’ll commit to maintaining that aspect of your bond.
Be Open to Solutions, Don’t Just Focus on the Problems
Approach the conversation with an open mind, and be willing to explore potential solutions together. Focusing only on what’s going wrong is draining and makes it hard to get motivated because it can feel overwhelming. Instead, talk with each other about what’d you like to work toward, types of intimacy and connection that you enjoy or would like more of, and why working together is important to you both. Whether it's seeking professional help, adjusting routines, or experimenting with different ways of being intimate, the goal is to find what works best for both of you.
Seek Professional Support if Needed
If the conversation reveals deeper issues or concerns, or you find it difficult to navigate this conversation without either or both of you getting defensive, blaming the other, or feeling stuck in an impasse, it may be helpful to consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual health and relationships. A professional can offer unbiased support and help facilitate more productive, helpful conversations.
Talking to your partner about low sex drive may feel daunting, but addressing the issue with open communication can lead to a deeper understanding and a stronger bond between you both. Remember that intimacy is multifaceted, and emotional and non-sexual physical connection is just as significant as sexual intimacy in a relationship.
And remember that ebbs and flow in all types of intimacy are natural and common. Approach the conversation with empathy, honesty, and a willingness to find solutions together. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You’re not alone in this and don’t have to “just deal with” the stress of low sex drive on your own. With mutual support and understanding, you can navigate this challenge as a team and grow closer as a result.
Get Your Free Guide to Increase Low Sex Drive
If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
