Want better sex? Start by Understanding How We Express Affection: Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia Sex Therapist & Coach, and I can’t tell you how many times clients have come to me wanting to increase sex drive and have better sex but are SO frustrated about affection in their relationships (or lack thereof), that it’s getting in the way of intimacy.
Want better sex? Learn you and your partner's Love Languages:
Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
It can sound a little something like this:
Jane: You say you want to have more sex. If you were more affectionate, I might be in the mood more often.
Joe: I’m affectionate all. the. time.
Jane: No, you’re not. We barely even kiss anymore.
Joe: We kissed this morning!
Jane: Yeah, okay but it was a peck.
Joe: When I try to kiss you more than a peck you push me away and tell me you don’t want it to lead to anything else.
Jane: Yeah, because when you kiss me like that, I feel like you want sex, which isn’t what I want.
Joe: I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t kiss you and you’re mad, I kiss you and you’re mad.
Coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, the concept of love languages has changed how we talk about we give and receive love. How you show someone love may not match how they look for or recognize love, meaning they may not recognize your connection attempts as affection, and you may not recognize theirs.
If you don’t know your love language, take the free quiz here.
Speaking different love languages can lead to a lot of frustration in relationships because one partner may feel like their needs aren’t being met while the other feels like they’re putting forth a ton of effort but it isn’t being recognized. This can lead to resentment and disconnect on both sides, not to mention interfere with sex and other types of intimacy. And while having different love languages is SUPER common in relationships, there are plenty of ways to connect even when your primary language is different. First, let’s check out the different languages you may be speaking.
Want better sex? Learn you and your partner’s Love Language
Words of Affirmation
For some, love is best expressed through spoken or written words. Words of affirmation are powerful tools that can help someone feel loved, seen, heard, and important. Simple phrases like "I love you," "You look great," or "I'm proud of you" have significant value and can have a deep impact. Individuals with this love language thrive on verbal acknowledgment and compliments. They want to hear that you like and love them. To speak this love language fluently, it’s all about what you say. Express appreciation, give genuine compliments, offer encouragement, and hype your partner up.
Acts of Service
Actions truly speak louder than words for those whose primary love language is acts of service. For them, love is recognized through meaningful gestures and acts that make life easier or more enjoyable. Whether it's cooking a meal, teaching your partner a hack to save time on chores, or running errands, these acts show care and dedication. To speak this love language, it’s all about what you do. Actively engage in acts that demonstrate your willingness to contribute to your partner’s well-being and quality of life.
Receiving Gifts
Gifts are more than just material possessions; they symbolize thoughtfulness and consideration. People with this love language feel cherished when they receive gifts that hold sentimental value because it makes them feel considered and thought of, leading them to feel important and valued in the relationship. These tokens of affection demonstrate that the giver knows and understands their desires and care about them. And these don’t have to be big, expensive gifts, so focus on the thought instead of the price tag. To speak this love language, give meaningful gifts that reflect your partner’s interests, celebrate milestones, and show that you know them and know what they like and enjoy.
Quality Time
Quality time is a love language centered around undivided attention and genuine connection. Spending meaningful time together, engaging in conversations, and actively participating in shared activities are essential. A BIG influence on this love language in our current world is the impact of phones, so put them away if you’re trying to connect with your partner in this way. And just like with gifts, it’s less important what you do together, and more important how you’re focusing your energy and attention. People who enjoy love through quality time thrive when their partners prioritize spending time together. To speak this love language, create opportunities for uninterrupted time, be present during your time together, and invest in shared experiences.
Physical Touch
Physical touch is a love language that thrives on physical proximity and affectionate gestures. From hugs and kisses to holding hands and cuddling, these gestures convey warmth and love. Individuals with this love language feel most connected when they experience physical touch. To speak this language, prioritize physical closeness, offer comforting touches, and create a safe and affectionate environment.
How Love Languages Impact Affection and Can Lead to Better Sex
Here’s the thing, knowing your primary love language is only part of the equation. Another part is being introspective and honest (with yourself and your partner) about the specifics of what feels meaningful to you within that. 10 people whose primary love language is physical affection are going to have 10 different definitions of what they like about this.
Let’s revisit the above convo between Jane and Joe to explore affection and better sex
As you may have guessed, Jane’s primary love language is physical touch. But she gets stressed out when she feels that affection is leading to sex because she’s been experiencing low sex drive. So instead of feeling loved, she feels pressured when Joe tries to connect. But Joe doesn’t know that. He’s trying to show her affection in a meaningful way (through physical touch) and it’s not translating. And now they’re having trouble showing each other any affection because it’s causing stress instead of connection.
What can help you show/recognize affection and have better sex
What can help if you notice affection causing tension and stress in your relationship is slowing down and getting specific. Identifying your primary love language is a great start, but that’s still pretty broad when it comes to taking action in your relationship. As we learned, Jane likes kissing and wants to do more of this, but the way she and Joe are kissing right now is causing a disconnect.
When we dove deeper, we learned the frustration wasn’t really about the kiss but that’s what was triggering it. It was about Jane feeling pressured to have sex coupled with feeling a lack of understanding about this, and Joe feeling confused and frustrated as he tries to show her affection, leading both to feel disconnected. And once we discovered this, we could talk about what type of affection would feel good for them both and get into the details. For Jane, this included enjoying when Joe pulled her into an embrace first, when he put his hand on her back during the kiss, feeling him in her arms, having his full attention, and lingering in the kiss vs it being a quick peck. And for Joe? He was just happy to have direction because he’d been trying to show affection this whole time and wanted to show Jane support as she was navigating low sex drive. So now they have actionable, helpful ideas that take them farther than “I just want you to be more affectionate” or “We should kiss more.”
More affection and better sex/connection are in the details
It’s the details that help you identify what’s meaningful about the affection so you can get on the same page about what you want more of so you’re not getting lost in translation. For Joe and Jane, kissing more wasn’t the solution and, as we discovered, was part of the problem. This is why stopping after you identify your love language may not be enough info for you. But connecting to why Jane liked kissing Joe, what touch of his felt good, and when she’d like to increase this gave them more insight into what was going on.
It wasn’t about the kiss, it was about the care, support, and connection. And it’s this that helped Jane feel heard, supported, loved, and more connected to Joe, which led to increased sex drive. When she was feeling frustrated with him and disconnected, sex was the last thing she wanted because she didn’t feel important to Joe. Changing the dynamic of how they talked about and showed affection shifted their perspective and helped them decrease the stress they were experiencing, feel more like a team, and increase intimacy, all leading to better sex.
A final part of this equation is making an effort to show your partner love in their language. And being aware of theirs so you can start to recognize the love they’re showing you in their language. Joe’s love language was acts of service so Jane hugging him at the end of the day didn’t impact him the same way as her helping him clean up after dinner. Recognizing both of your love languages can go a long way in helping you show affection in ways your partner finds meaningful, while also recognizing the affection they show you in their primary love language.
Learn your love language = more affection and connection = better sex
Understanding both you and your partner’s love languages can enhance your relationship by helping you and your partner communicate your affection more effectively and recognize the expressions of love from each other. Each person has a unique combination of love languages, and recognizing your own and your partner's can lead to deeper connections and more opportunities for affection and intimacy. The more affection you show and feel from your partner, the more connected you’ll feel for other types of intimacy, which can help increase low sex drive.
At the end of the day, fighting about intimacy and feeling disconnected about affection can decrease sex drive. And speaking different languages without shared understanding can leave you feeling unheard. But working as a team can help you feel more understood and connected. And this is the secret sauce that can increase sex drive and interest in intimacy with your partner, leading to better sex.
Get Your Free Guide to Increase Low Sex Drive
If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
