Low Desire and Sex Drive? What you need to know to boost these
I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist and couples therapist, and today I’m here to talk to about desire and sex drive.
Transcript:
So let’s just start by naming it: talking about sex can be uncomfortable. If you’re like the majority of us, you didn’t grow up having super open conversations about it. That can make it difficult to talk about sex, even if it’s with someone you trust like your partner. But hopefully, I can help with some of that today by sharing how your sex drive works so you can get some more knowledge about what’s going on in your system.
Sex Drive and Desire: Your Sexual Response
Alright, let’s do it! The major players in your sexual response are your brain and spinal cord. The brain, which fun fact, is your largest sex organ (because yes it’s that powerful) is constantly scanning the environment for information about threats and safety, things that are familiar or foreign, and within that, it scans for info it deems sexually relevant. Once it recognizes that it sends info down the body to your genitals telling them to turn on. Or if it’s really not a good time to be aroused, like if it interprets some type of threat, it sends signals to turn off. Emily Nagoski has a really great book called Come as You Are that talks more in-depth about these and the sexual response system as a whole. It’s a really great read if you’re interested.
So your sexual response is made up of a bunch of these on and off switches and your body responds accordingly to what info your brain is picking up on. The on switches are the things your brain reads as positive and enjoyable and tells your body, yes, we like that, get more of that. These can range anywhere from your partner touching you- kissing you, holding you, a certain touch or sensation you like, to having stimulating conversations or doing something new together.
Off switches are things your brain reads as sometimes stressful, difficult, or just plain ole not sexy and says no, not right now, not today. I think of these being 2-fold: ones that are directly related to sex and ones that seem more indirect. Switches directly related to sex include things you might worry about, like getting an STI, unplanned pregnancy, judgment from others about who you’re having sex with, feeling performance anxiety or self-conscious during sex.
Sex and Stress
These cause stress and what we know about the stress response is that when your brain interprets a stressor or threat, that’s the main thing it’s going to focus on until it’s resolved. So it’s throwing off switches with your sex drive because it needs to focus on the threats instead. Indirect off switches are things that might feel a little more peripheral like work stress, relationship issues if you’ve been feeling more depressed or anxious lately. These are all pretty serious and when they happen your brain is smart enough to say hey, those are really important and we need to focus on them right now, not sex, and sends signals to turn off.
Now we all have the same set of switches, but everyone’s are different in what they respond to and how sensitive they are. For example, one person may find kissing their partner is enjoyable and leads them to want more connection and more intimacy and turns on a switch, while for someone else kissing leads them to feel pressured and like sex is an expectation and turns things off.
Increase Desire and Sex Drive By Managing Your Sexual Response (ons and offs)
Why I wanted to bring this to you today is because I hear often from clients that they feel there’s something wrong with them because they lack desire or have low sex drive. And in reality, they’re often perfectly healthy. What can happen when you feel you lack desire or have a low sex drive is you focus in only on the sex and the on switches. You might try things like new positions, incorporating sexy lingerie, or scheduling sex. And something these things help a little, sometimes they don’t help at all, or sometimes they’re great once, but the results don’t seem to last. And this could be because your on switches are working perfectly, but you’re unknowingly throwing off switches that are getting in the way.
When you laser focus in on sex and then it’s not great or doesn’t go how they want it to, it can cause stress. And now you know that the brain interprets stress as a threat and shuts down desire and sex drive. But the beauty of this is you can shift your efforts to focus on different switches. It may seem counterintuitive but it can actually help to shift from putting pressure on the ons to focusing on turning off the offs because they’re really what’s getting in the way. Changing this focus can help you get to the root of the problem, especially if it’s something like stress, depression, or anxiety, but it can also help you alleviate some of the pressure you’ve been putting on yourself and sex. Once you do that, you may find that your on switches are perfectly fine, they’re just being overruled by all the offs.
Take some time this week to take stock of what off switches are being activated, what’s causing stress in your life, and how that’s affecting you, and be honest with yourself. You’ll need this so you’re not throwing those off switches unintentionally. It may seem foreign since I’m challenging you not to focus on the sex, but I’m guessing you’ve tried a thing or two and if you haven’t been getting results, try something different. By shifting focus you’ll be able to deal with what’s actually getting in the way and throwing those off switches (stress, relationship issues, work, whatever) and allow those ons to take the spotlight.
Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA
If you’re interested in learning more about your desire, sex drive, and sexual response, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
