Feeling stress and pressure about sex drive and desire? S.T.O.P can help

I’m Erinn, your couples therapist and sex therapist in Philadelphia and today I’m here with a tool to help you manage stress about sex.

Watch the video here.

Sex can be a really great connective experience, a good stress reliever, and allow for some fun and creativity. And it can also be stressful like if you feel pressured to show up in a certain way or look a certain way, worry about performance, or feel like sex is an obligation within your relationship.

Worrying about sex can also indicate a fear. Maybe you worry about what will happen in your relationship if you’re not having sex, or not having sex as often as you or your partner would like. And it’s important to pay attention to those fears because they’re telling you that something about this is important. However, the fear doesn’t have to rule you and impact decision-making. Because when the fear and stress take over, that doesn’t make for a very fun, engaging, or relaxing sexual experience. As a sex therapist in Philadelphia, I can tell you the opposite actually happens and it ramps up the stress and pressure, moving you farther away from the goal of having more or better sex.

Want to increase desire and have better sex? S.T.O.P

So what can you do? STOP! You might be thinking well that’s not super helpful but I’m not just telling you to stop thinking about these things. What I’m offering is an action plan through the acronym STOP. S. T. O. P. Because managing the stress you feel about sex is one of the most important things you can do to shift this.

S = Stop

Now, S does stand for stop. But what I mean by stopping is not just reacting. Slow down. Think about what’s going on. Maybe your partner seeks you out for sex and you just default to saying yes because you feel bad saying no, or you want to connect, or it prays on those fears mentioned before about what will happen if you’re not having sex. What’s happening in that split second is you’re just reacting out of emotion.  So instead, slow down, and work to respond. When you’re able to do this, you’re using different parts of your brain that are engaged with things like decision-making, future planning, problem-solving, etc. And you want those parts of your brain online when you’re trying to shift this unhelpful dynamic that’s going on with sex.  

T = Timeout

T stands for timeout. Take a step back and take a break. Take 3 deep breaths. This helps ground, calm, and further slow you down, bring those parts of your brain back online that can assist, and helps you check in with yourself. So when your partner seeks you for sex, instead of just reacting and saying yes, take a timeout so you can assess if this is even something you’d like right now. Which leads us to O.

O = Observe

O stands for observe. Take a second to notice what’s going on with you and do a quick scan. How are you feeling? What are your thoughts? What’s the situation like? What is your partner saying to you or how are they acting? Take a minute and assess the situation. Does it seem sexy or not? Do you feel connected or distant? Are you in a foreign or familiar place? All of these elicit different responses in different people so check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling.

P = Proceed (kindly and intentionally)

Then P stands for, proceed kindly and intentionally. We now know that reacting in the moment isn’t helpful and can add to that stress and pressure you feel during sex. So think about what you want in this moment and act on that. Are you not in the mood for sex? Communicate that compassionately to your partner. Are you in the mood for some things but not others? Tell them that! Think about the goals and what you want right now, both in the moment and in general. And ask yourself if your actions will move you toward or away from that.

Increase libido and sex drive by using S.T.O.P.

The whole point of this exercise is to slow down and make conscious decisions, not reactionary ones. If you’ve been feeling stressed about sex, slowing down can help you consider what’s helping move you toward better sex, and what’s moving you away from that. If you desire more connection and better experiences, saying yes to sex every time your partner proposes it may not be the best for you, especially if you’re already feeling pressure and judgment about how your sex drive is showing up. The way to have more sex is shifting to having better experiences. This means being honest with yourself, with your partner, and working to decrease the pressure and stress you feel about sex. And implementing this STOP model can help.

Now I love exploring the stress and sex relationship so if you’d like to learn more about how stress impacts sex drive and desire, reach out or check out my other blog posts for more info. And in the meantime, STOP, think, and respond. Good luck!

Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA

If you want to learn more about the stress–sex relationship and how to shift this, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out if sex therapy would be helpful for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.