8 Common Questions You’ve Always Wondered About Your Sex Drive and Desire
I’m Erinn, your couples therapist and sex therapist in Philadelphia. I’m here to answer some common questions I hear from sex therapy clients and what they wonder about their sex drive and desire.
If you’re like many of us, learning about sex growing up was…lacking. You may have had some basic sex ed about anatomy and STIs, maybe your parents awkwardly talked with you about your changing body, maybe they put out free condoms on your college campus. But through all of this, and whatever knowledge you happened to pick up along the way, you still have questions.
And that’s okay! It’s natural to be curious about sex and want to know more about such an intimate aspect of life and connection. A lot of people want to know more about their sex drive and desire so just know you’re not alone. Quick preface: I’m going to use the language I hear from my sex therapy clients but please know “normal” is not a thing you should strive for. Some things occur more often in the general population, but that doesn’t necessarily make them better.
The danger in assessing if you’re normal is that it indicates you’re comparing yourself to others. That’s unhelpful here because everyone’s sex drive, desire, likes/dislikes, preferred frequency of sex, etc. are all different. And every relationship is different. As long as something works for you (and your partner), to hell with trying to be “normal.” Ok, now on to the good stuff.
8 Common Questions You’ve Always Wondered About Your Sex Drive and Desire
What’s a normal sex drive?
I’m going to dive in here with one of the most common questions I hear from sex therapy clients. Sometimes this question is asked indirectly by asking how to have a better sex drive or higher sex drive, but at the end of the day, they’re almost always asking: Am I normal? Am I desirable? Is something wrong with me? Will my partner want to be with me if my sex drive isn’t like theirs? I’m here to tell you that as long as your sex drive doesn’t cause undue stress or impairment in your day-to-day life, it’s perfectly fine. What a normal sex drive is for you is however it’s showing up now. Putting pressure on your sex drive to be something it’s not or show up differently adds stress. And that’s what actually lowers it and impacts desire for and enjoyment of sex. So instead, try being curious about how it shows up, pay attention to what it responds to, and work to embrace it for exactly how it is now. If you’d like to learn more about how stress impacts stress, check out The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive?
Is my sex drive too low/high?
There’s no gold standard for sex drive. Now, it’s true some people have higher sex drives, and some have lower sex drives. But no sex drive is better or worse than another, they’re just different. Every person and relationship is different. My sex therapy clients will often express this during sessions and what it communicates are comparison and judgment. Comparisons are tempting because, like the previous question touched on, we want to feel normal and fit in. But comparing yourself to others’ sex drives is useless. It’s not only unhelpful if you’re working to change your relationship with yours, it actually impacts your ability to do so because it adds stress and pressure. And judging yourself for something natural and inherent, like your sex drive, is like judging yourself for your metabolism. Harsh self-talk isn’t going to change it, but you can learn how it functions, what it responds to, and change the context. And if you haven’t already, take the free quiz below to learn your desire type and get specific feedback you can use today to increase desire and better sex.
Is something wrong if my sex drive doesn’t match my partner’s sex drive?
Having a different sex drive than your partner is perfectly natural and common. There are a lot of factors that influence sex drive (type of desire, relationship satisfaction, how you handle stress, your emotional state, how you communicate, etc.). So, it makes sense that yours would be different from your partner’s. They’re all unique! But what can happen is one partner may feel their sex drive is worse than their partner’s. Judgment often arises during these times because this dynamic can play on fears. What will happen in the relationship if… Will they still want to be with me when… What if I can’t figure this out? What can be more helpful is trying to be curious and show yourself some compassion. It’s okay to wonder how differing sex drives and different desires will impact you and your partner. It’s okay to talk about how to navigate this and share some of the worries it brings up in you. What’s not helpful is judging yourself or each other, so practice compassion, communication, and get curious.
Why did my sex drive change?
There are many reasons your sex drive may change. As mentioned above, many outside factors affect your desire, and they’re not always for the worse. Things that may cause a change and increase desire are things like feeling more connected, having new experiences together, excitement like travel or vacation, or if you’ve had a decrease in stress. And sometimes external factors cause a drop in sex drive. For example, if you’ve been feeling more stressed lately your sex drive may have dipped, especially if the stressor is ongoing. Things like experiencing more relationship conflict, depression, anxiety, disruptions in sleep, etc. can all have a negative impact on your sex drive. If your desire has shifted recently, take some time to reflect on recent changes in your life, either positive or negative. Remember to check the judgment at the door and talk to your partner about how these things have been influencing you. Note: if you’ve noticed a sudden, drastic shift, talk to your primary care doctor just to make sure everything’s okay health-wise.
Why am I not interested in sex but enjoy it when things get going?
This is a common question I hear and the underlying question is usually a WTF? Someone may feel like there’s something wrong because they feel like they don’t want to have sex but enjoy it once they’re having sex. This speaks to different types of desire. Spontaneous desire is the one most people think of when thinking about sex drive. It seems to come on spontaneously, is just a feeling someone gets, and leads them to want to seek out sex. But there’s another type of desire! Responsive desire shows up after something sexy and fun happens. This is why you may not feel like you were in the mood earlier but enjoy yourself once the sex starts because you needed the sexy stimuli to ignite your desire. So no, there’s nothing wrong with you that you don’t spontaneously want sex, your desire is just showing up in a different way. I would even challenge you to shift your mindset if you feel like you have low sex drive. Maybe your sex drive is perfectly fine and your desire is just showing up in a way you’re not aware of. Learning your desire type, and your partner’s can help you brainstorm together how to best go about setting a sexy scene and navigating how to engage in sex that works for you both.
Is sex drive/desire the same as sexual arousal?
If you read the previous question, now you know there are different types of desire that affect sex drive. Desire and arousal are two different things and show up in different ways. For those with spontaneous desire, the feelings of desire lead to physical arousal. This means someone has an interest in having sex and seeking it out is what leads to getting the blood flowing. For someone with spontaneous desire, it’s the physical arousal that leads to desire. Once sexy, pleasurable things start occurring and the blood starts flowing, then the desire for sex shows up. Try paying attention to how your arousal shows up and any judgments that occur. Judgments can get in the way and stifle a perfectly good sex drive so practice that curiosity and play around (literally and metaphorically) to find what works for you and your partner.
Are fluctuations in sex drive normal?
Yes! Sex and connection are important to most people so it’s easy to feel fear when you experience a change in your sex drive. Questions like “how will this affect us” and “is there something wrong in our relationship” can come up. But fear not, changes and fluctuations in desire are natural. And unavoidable. Stressful work meeting coming up? That’s going to affect your sex drive. Recent fight with your partner? That’s going to affect your sex drive. Family event coming up, whether fun or stressful? That’s going to affect your sex drive. You get the idea. Your desire and sex drive aren’t impervious to outside influence and all the things you experience each day, whether positive or negative, affect your overall physical, emotional, and sexual state. Accepting that things can fluctuate without meaning there’s a problem can help alleviate some of the stress you may be feeling. This can help you ride the wave so after that work meeting, fight, or family event you can get back to having more sexy fun. Note: if you’ve noticed a sudden, severe fluctuation, talk with your doctor to make sure there are no underlying health issues going on.
How can I increase my sex drive?
By now you may know where I’m going to go with this one. I’d say challenge the judgment of your current sex drive and ask yourself: What makes you think your sex drive isn’t great now? Asking this question can help you identify some of the fears, judgments, and stress that are feeding this mindset. What I see often with my sex therapy clients is that the main problem isn’t really the sex, that’s just what’s getting the focus. It’s the impact of stress, underlying fears about the relationship, commitment worries, etc. that all affect connection. Instead of asking how you can increase your sex drive, ask how you can increase connection and other types of intimacy. The irony with desire is the more you want it, or want to want it, the more allusive it may feel. So, focus on boosting connection and managing the other areas of your life causing stress, as they have a direct impact on your sex drive. And if you haven’t already, take the free Desire to Fire Quiz to learn your desire type and get specific feedback you can use today to increase desire and better sex.
If you’ve tried the above and still experience stress or pressure when it comes to your sex drive and desire, consider sex therapy. Sex therapists can help you dive deeper into some of those judgments, unhelpful thoughts, and comparisons that may be happening. And they can help you build skills so you can feel more present and less stressed during sex, leading to more pleasure and a better sex life.
Get Your Free Guide to Increase Low Sex Drive
If you have other questions you’ve always wanted to ask about your sex drive and desire, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out if sex therapy would be helpful for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
