Why taking a break from sex can lead to increased desire and better sex

I’m Erinn, your couples therapist and sex therapist in Philadelphia, and today I’m here to normalize a scary misbelief I hear about from my sex therapy clients: The fear that taking a break from sex will kill your sex life.

Watch the video here.

First off, know this is a natural, common fear and many people experience it. What they’re usually fearful of is yes, losing the sex itself, but usually underneath that is how will this impact my relationship? Will my partner still want to be me? What will connection be like? What happens sometimes with my sex therapy clients when I propose taking a break from sex is they panic. I can see the confusion and alarm on their faces. Because they’re coming to see me to increase sex drive and desire, not decrease it, right?

And what I discuss with them is that by continuing to put pressure on sex to show up in a certain way, to perform in a certain way, to have sex at a certain frequency, is setting you up to continue experiencing issues. The whole fake it til you make it thing here only gets you so far.

How does decreasing sex lead to better sex and increase libido?

Now some people think if you stop having sex, you’ll never start again. This is typically the fear talking. Instead, what can happen when you take sex off the table for a bit is you reduce the pressure and stress you were putting on sex. It allows for the exploration of other types of nonsexual intimacy and different types of connection because it lets you focus your attention on other ways to come together. And then during that time, since you’re not as stressed, you can get curious about what’s going on for you during sex, what you like and want to keep about your sex life, and what you’d like to be different.

There’s this interesting phenomenon that happens where we feel we won’t accomplish things unless we beat ourselves up. If I’m never good enough, I’ll never stop striving. This happens with a lot of things- work, relationships, being a caregiver, etc. But when this happens with sex, typically people laser in on the sex only and put so much pressure on it. This has the opposite effect and just builds and builds that stress.

Decreasing stress, pressure, and building self-compassion leads to increased desire and better sex

It may seem counterintuitive but what is more helpful with shifting your relationships with your sex drive and desire, is being kind to yourself, decreasing pressure, and managing the stress around sex. The whole point of taking this break is to allow for different connection and reduce that pressure and stress. Once you take the pressure off of what you “should” be doing, you get to explore what you want to be doing. And that makes a big difference.

So don’t look at taking a break from sex as a bad thing, look at it as an opportunity to reconnect, get creative, and build intimacy. And all these will help start you down that path to better sex and more of it.  If you’re interested in learning more, reach out or check out other blog posts. And remember, be kind to yourself and face your fears.

Get Your Free Guide to Increase Low Sex Drive

If you want to learn more about how stress and fear impact your sex drive and desire, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out if sex therapy would be helpful for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.