Why Wanting to Have Sex With Yourself is Important For Your Sex Life
I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia Sex Therapist & Sexual Wellness Coach and today I’m talking about why it’s important that YOU want to have sex with you (and how it impacts your sex life when you don’t).
Want to increase desire? Start by wanting to have sex with yourself.
Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Trying to increase low desire is no joke. It’s tough trying to maintain intimacy in your relationship when not only are not you super interested in sex, you don’t feel sexy or desirable. Here’s the thing ladies: trying to have more sex when you’re in this state of mind isn’t going to work.
If you don’t want to have sex with you, it’s hard to let someone else.
When it comes to a satisfying and fulfilling sex life, many people focus on pleasing their partners. While considering your partner's desires is important, it's equally vital to recognize the significance of self-desire. Research has shown that while men are more visually stimulated when it comes to sex, women are more interested in sex when they want to have sex with themselves.
Umm, what?!?!
What this means is that your internal state and how you feel about yourself can make or break things in the bedroom. It’s not just about your relationship with your partner, it’s about your relationship with YOU. If you feel bloated, sluggish, heavy, tired, etc. you’re not going to want to have sex. Not only would you not be into it, but none of those things feel sexy. We don’t feel desirable when we feel any of the above so our sex drive is much less likely to kick on. Desiring yourself is crucial for a healthy and gratifying sex life, and it can lead to enhanced intimacy, self-confidence, and overall satisfaction. If you’re not super interested in sex lately, think about how connected you’ve felt to yourself. Ask yourself these questions:
How confident have I been feeling about my body?
Do I feel rested and energized?
Do I move my body in ways that feel good and decrease stress?
Am I eating well and feeling fairly healthy overall?
Do I wear clothes I feel confident in?
Do I feel a sense of sexiness and desirability??
4 reasons why wanting to have sex with yourself leads to better sex: Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Self-Exploration:
Understanding Your Body:
Desiring yourself encourages you to explore your own body and its responses, helping you discover what brings you pleasure. Lacking this interest leads to mechanical sex that feels more like something on your do-to list than something you enjoy.
Improved Communication:
Knowing what you like and don't like enables better communication with your partner, leading to more satisfying sexual experiences. This means you’re more likely to enjoy yourself. Good sex leads to more good sex so the more positive an experience, the more likely you are to want to do it again. The only way to do this is to be open to exploration.
Increased Arousal:
Genuine Arousal:
Focusing on desiring yourself can lead to genuine arousal, making sex more enjoyable for you and your partner. It can help you draw attention to what sensations feel good, explore your body, and stay more present during intimacy
Emotional Connection:
When you're genuinely excited and engaged, it can enhance the emotional connection with your partner. If you’re excited to be there, they’ll be more excited. If you’re not, chances are no one will enjoy themselves as much. The whole point of sex is to have fun and connect so start by having fun and connecting with yourself.
Self-Confidence:
Enhanced Self-Esteem:
Self-desire can boost your self-esteem as you become more attuned to your body and its needs. It feels good when we feel confident, strong, and empowered. The more you feel these things, the more you radiate that energy, the more this has a positive impact on your sex life
Assertiveness:
Desiring yourself and knowing what you want can lead to better communication in the bedroom and other aspects of your life. This helps you not only get more pleasure from sexual experiences because your partner is doing things you enjoy, but it’s also empowering (and sexy!) to use your voice.
Fulfillment:
Taking Control:
When you want to have sex with yourself you take back control of your sexual experiences, creating a more active and satisfying role for yourself. If there are things you don’t want to do, don’t do them. If something makes you feel unsexy, undesirable, or is distracting, work to shift the dynamic or eliminate it. Feeling self-conscious with the lights on? Turn them off. Feeling exposed naked? Put on something you feel sexy in. You have more control than you realize so make it work to your advantage
Personal Fulfillment:
Self-desire is a form of self-care that emphasizes the importance of your own happiness and satisfaction. Engaging in pleasurable activities can reduce stress, leading to more personal fulfillment and improved well-being. The more you can do to connect with yourself (physical activity, mindfulness, body scans, eating healthy, sleeping well, etc.) the more likely you’ll be interested in sexual activity. When we’re stressing and running around trying to do all the things on our do-to list we don’t feel sexy. So slow down and connect to your body.
The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.
When you’re stressed about low desire don’t overcomplicate things and do a whole overhaul of your relationship. Simply start with yourself. Do things that make you feel good, strong, confident, and sexy. This will increase sex drive and lead to better sex and connection faster than just trying to have more sex.
Desiring yourself isn’t selfish or weird. It's an essential element of a fulfilling sex life. If you wouldn’t want to have sex with you based on how you feel, it’s hard to let someone else. So instead of focusing on the ways to try to want more sex for your partner, start by thinking about what would make you want to have sex with yourself. You’ll be amazed at what this simple shift in perspective can do.
Discover How to Increase Low Sex Drive with this Free Guide from a Philadelphia Sex Therapist
If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
