Want to Lower Sexual Anxiety for Better Sex? 6 Tips from Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist, and today I’m here sharing (sexual anxiety) secrets about sex no one told you about, namely: being engaged during sex.
6 Sexual Anxiety Tips for Better Sex: Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Having sexual anxiety or struggling to stay present but want better sex?
As a Philadelphia sex therapist, I can tell you: You’re not alone if you feel sexual anxiety.
One of the biggest myths about sex I hear as a Philadelphia sex therapist is that you need to be engaged and present the whole time, every time, or you’re doing it wrong. Which like, yeah, of course that’s the goal. Who doesn’t better sex by being more present and engaged?? But also yeah, of course this mindset spikes sexual anxiety.
Because the problem with this mindset is that it’s impossible. It sets you up for failure from the get-go because being 100% engaged, the whole time, during anything isn’t realistic. When’s the last time you did anything where your mind didn’t wander at times, you got distracted, or weren’t thinking about other things at times?
However, there are ways to be more focused during sex and I think this is what people are seeking when they talk about wanting to feel more engaged. There are ways to keep your mind from wandering as much, direct it back when it does, and alleviate the pressure you’re putting on yourself, leading to a more pleasurable, positive sexual experience.
6 tips from your Philadelphia Sex Therapist for sexual anxiety, staying focused, and better sex
Set realistic expectations for yourself (to manage sexual anxiety for better sex)
This is the most important first step. If you’re putting pressure on yourself to be fully engaged the whole time, any time you’re not you’re going to feel like you’re failing. The irony of this is that it causes even more distraction because you get in your head about how you’re not focused, and then are focusing all your attention on how you’re not focused, leaving no focus for sex. Ah! Instead, be realistic about what this shift in behavior looks like, what you’d like to be different, and use tip 2.
Notice when your mind is wandering and direct it back to manage sexual anxiety
Thinking about your to-do list? Remembering that thing you forgot to do? Thinking about what time you have to be at the next thing? These thoughts are natural, but can definitely take you out of the moment. When you notice your mind wandering and thinking about all things non-sexy, direct your attention back to the present moment. You can do this by focusing on how it feels when your partner touches you, how the sheets feel on your skin, or what types of sounds your partner is making. Focusing on what’s happening around or to you can bring you back into the present so you can enjoy all those sexy things that are happening.
Have better sex through mindfulness (check-in with yourself outside the bedroom)
If tip 2 feels foreign or confusing, or if you tried it and didn’t have much luck, try practicing mindful awareness outside the bedroom. You can do this by practicing the following 5-4-3-2-1 activity 2-3 times per day.
5: Identify 5 things you can see
4: Identify 4 things you can feel
3: Identify 3 things you can hear
2: Identify 2 things you can smell
1: Identify 1 thing you can taste
Be as detailed as possible with what you’re noticing and take your time. The point of this exercise is to get in touch with your senses, slow down, and pay attention to what this feels like. The more you do this, the easier it will become, making shifting your attention back to your senses during sex easier as well.
Leave your daily demands at the bedroom door for better sex
There will always be things on your to-do list. There will always be deadlines. But you can’t do anything about these things during sex (or if you are, you’re probably really not being present!). Give yourself permission to take a break from the demands of your day and engage in sex that’s playful, pleasurable, and enjoyable. One way to do this is “schedule” this time for yourself. This doesn’t actually have to make it onto the calendar but think about this time as occupied. This is a do-not-disturb sexy meeting and everything else will need to wait. This can help you leave the daily demands at the door, focus on the sex, and then can pick them back up when you’re done. They’re not going anywhere; they’ll be there for you after sex. But bonus: taking this break for sex and play can better equip you to then deal with those demands. Everyone wins!
Give room to grow and make mistakes to decrease that sexual anxiety pressure
Be kind to yourself in this process and allow for trial and error. Your mind will wander. Some days it will be easier to stay present than others. Please know these things are okay and common. In our culture, there’s a lot of pressure to always “be on,” busy, and productive. And since we spend a lot of our time in this mindset, it can be difficult to turn it off. But the more pressure you put on yourself to show up in a certain way, engage in a certain way, or hyper-focus during sex, the more stress you’re adding. And stress kills sex drive and really takes you out of the moment, making sex less than pleasurable. Simply notice when your mind is wandering and direct it back. And focus on all the things that are feeling good instead.
Use your voice! (and notice when you’re distracted during sex)
Don’t be afraid to give some direction. Sometimes minds wander during sex because whatever activity is happening isn’t super engaging. Don’t be afraid to ask for something different or shake things up if you notice this is happening to you. Pro tip: focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want. For example, instead of saying “this isn’t really working for me” say “I’d really like it if you…” This helps your partner know exactly what you want, instead of having to guess and can make the experience much more enjoyable for you.
At the end of the day remember no one’s perfect. Increasing engagement and focus during sex is a skill, and just like any other skill, the more you practice the better you’ll become at it. You’re not going magically be an expert the first time and that’s okay. But with practice and trial and error to find what works for you, you can increase your presence during sex and shut out the distractions trying to get your attention. And the more you do that, the more pleasurable sex will be, and the more excited and engaged you’ll feel the next time you spend some sexy time with your partner, becoming a positive cycle!
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My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
