Want to increase your sex drive? Learning about your desire type can help Part 2

I’m Erinn, your couples therapist and sex therapist in Philadelphia.

Part 1 covered spontaneous desire: check it out here. Today I’m back to talk about responsive desire.

Watch the video here.

Have Better Sex: Learn Your Desire Type

Last time I covered the desire that typically comes to mind for most people, which is spontaneous desire. This occurs when someone feels a sudden desire for sex and it just seems to come on on its own. Now, since this is the most widely known type, those that don’t fit into this category can feel like there’s something wrong with them. So today we’re going to challenge that and talk more about another type of desire.

Learn about your desire: Responsive Desire

The second type of desire is responsive desire and with this type, your desire comes on in response to something sexy happening. Physical arousal and the blood flowing are what lead to feelings of desire and interest in sex. This means your body needs something sexy and enjoyable to happen first, and then your brain says hey, that’s nice, let’s keep doing this. You may have responsive desire if you feel you lack interest in sex because the feeling doesn’t just come on on its own but you enjoy sex once it starts.  

Just like with spontaneous desire, anyone can have this type, but it tends to be more common in those with female genitals. The reason we think this is is because when girls and those with female genitals are growing up, their genitals don’t do things that as are obvious as male genitals when aroused, like we talked about last time. So these individuals learn to take cues from the environment. Oh, this sexy thing is happening around or to me, and now I’m getting interested.

Why knowing your desire type can increase sex drive

Neither spontaneous or responsive desire is better or worse, they’re just different. What’s important about knowing which desire type you have is knowing how to engage in and seek out sex in a way that works for you. If you have responsive desire but are waiting for desire to just spontaneously show up, you’re going to be waiting. Because that’s not your system works! That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

And what can happen if you’re looking for that other desire to show up is your sex drive actually shuts down instead of engaging. Because judgments can arise, you might be feeling frustrated or confused, maybe now you’re stressed out about it, and ultimately it can leave you feeling disconnected not only from others but from your own system. And that’s a really crappy feeling and not going to make you want to seek out sex, but probably avoid it.

Increase desire with curiosity

So instead, be kind to yourself and get curious. Do you really have low sex drive or is your desire just showing up in a different way than you expect? Think about some pleasurable past experiences and consider if you felt aroused going in, or if this came on as you went. But remember, there’s no right and wrong way for desire to show up, so check your judgments at the door and have some fun experimenting.

If you’d like some direction on how to talk with your partner about this, check out Talk Dirty to Me Part 4: Why talking about sex can lead to better sex (The Desire Talk).

Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA

If you want to learn more about how desire impacts sex drive, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out if sex therapy would be helpful for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.