Want better sex? Why connection's important but not in the ways you think

Connection is important. But did you know that increasing different types of connection, outside the bedroom, can lead to you having more desire and a better sex life?

I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist and couples therapist, and I’m here to tell you about how connection outside the bedroom can lead to better sex in it.

Connection: Why it’s important for your sex drive

There’s a reason we seek connection. From a biological perspective, we feel safer and happier when we’re around others. And it increases our chances of survival: there’s safety in numbers. But think beyond survival for a minute. Think about, in our modern world, what it feels like when you connect with someone or something. Sometimes it’s enjoying the vibe someone is giving off. Like when someone has a great, infectious laugh and you just enjoy being around them. And other times it's enjoying something around you, like seeing a cute puppy, watching a beautiful sunset, or taking in a spectacular view from the top of a mountain.

One major way connection, of any type, can help with desire is that it lowers stress.

And stress is a killer for your sex drive. When you start to experience low sex drive or stress with sex, something like this can occur:

You notice you’ve been feeling low libido and less desire lately. You don’t like this and you want to change it. So, you focus more on what’s happening with your sex drive and what you can do about this (scheduling sex, trying new positions, new toys, etc.). These don’t really help, at least not as much as you’d like. You start getting frustrated because you feel like what you’re doing isn’t helping. And this has started stressing you out because you don’t want it to interfere with your relationship. So, you focus more energy on the sex. Which leads to more pressure and stress. Which leads to even less desire. And now you’re stuck in a negative stress cycle that’s sucking the life from your sex drive.

But the beauty is, it doesn’t have to be like this. There ARE things you can do, you just need a different approach. It may seem counterintuitive, but it helps to focus some energy outside the bedroom. This allows you to take the pressure off sex, manage stressors, and get in a better headspace that can lead to a better sex drive and life in general. If you’re feeling stressed, frustrated, crappy in your own skin, and overall disconnected, you’re probably not going to feel very sexy and playful. To have great sex, it’s all about finding things to fill you up emotionally, before finding things to fill you up physically ;)

And the more you do to care for yourself, others, feel connected, and feel good about yourself and the world around you, the more of an impact this will have on your sex drive. If you’re interested in learning more about the impact of stress on sex, check out The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive? And if you’re curious to learn more about why focusing only on sex hasn’t helped your desire or sex drive, check out Stressed about low sex drive? The #1 thing most people get wrong.

Connection: How to Connect For a Better Sex Drive

So, what can you do? First, recognize that shifting focus away from sex can feel weird. It’s okay. You’re not alone in this. Many people worry that if they do this, they’re admitting defeat. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. What you’re doing is giving your mind and body a chance to destress, refocus, and re-energize, all of which increases your chances of having better sex. And by focusing energy on different types of connection, you’re increasing your sense of purpose and self-worth, both of which have a great impact on sex drive and desire.

Connect to Your Body

Love thyself first, right?

• Masturbate

  Let’s start here since we’re all thinking about it. Now, this may seem confusing since I’ve been encouraging you to focus your energy outside the bedroom. What I mean here by masturbating is getting to know and exploring your body. Don’t just masturbate to have an orgasm. Take some time to play, explore, and see what feels good. And doing this on your own can help decrease stress and judgments that may arise with a partner (am I taking too long, how do I look in this position, am I wet/hard enough, etc.). The goal here isn’t to orgasm, or even increase desire. The goal is to take some time to practice positive touch with your body. And the more you know about what you like, the more you can involve a partner in the future.

• Look in the Mirror

  And I mean really look. Take all your clothes off and stand in front of a mirror. Make a list of all the things you appreciate about your body and everything you like. You may notice you’re tempted to criticize yourself but resist this urge. This is the stress talking. We spend too much time listening to our internal critics and they do zero favors when it comes to increasing sex drive and desire. Instead, tell yourself about what you like, over and over. Practice it every day. The more you tell yourself what you like about your body, the more you’ll start to see it. And the more you challenge that internal critic, the more you’ll come to appreciate your naked form. Which will lead to increased confidence, connection, and comfort during sex.

• Mindfulness

  In today’s world, it can be very hard to just slow down. But taking time to take a break, breath, or have some lunch is important in allowing you to connect with yourself. Have 5 minutes before your next meeting? Take a walk around the building and get some fresh air and sunlight. Exhausted when heading home? Take 5 deep breaths after you get out of the car and before going inside. The beauty of mindfulness is you can do it anytime, anywhere. And it doesn’t have to be a long process to enjoy the effects. You may have noticed the examples used here are during times of transition. Slowing down and taking a minute or two to yourself can help you leave something behind (the stress at work) and gear up for what’s next (making dinner). This skill comes in handy for shifting focus and managing distractions with sex.

Connect to Others

• Spend Time With Positive Supports

  Managing stressors through connection is important because even stress that has seemingly nothing to do with sex impacts your sexual response. Consider which friends, family, coworkers, etc. you enjoy spending time with. And don’t forget pets! Make more of an effort to spend time connecting with them. And if someone is draining you right now, set some boundaries with them. The more we experience positive connection with people we care about, the more fulfilled we feel, and the less stress we feel. This leads to having more energy for fun stuff, like better sex!

• Connect With Strangers

  When you think about connecting with others, sometimes it may feel like a big ask. But connection can also be in the details. Think about how it feels when a stranger gives you a random compliment or waits an extra second to hold the door as you’re walking up. These are small but important connections. Make an effort to say something nice to a stranger, do a random act of kindness, or just make small talk with someone in passing. Not only can these things make our day when they happen to us, but it can also feel really good doing them for others. And these small connections can have a big impact on your stress and sex drive.

• Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful practice that helps you appreciate things that are going well. It can be easy to get stuck in day-to-day frustrations and feel pessimistic. And sometimes you need to feel those feelings, but you don’t want to get stuck there. Gratitude can help give you perspective and remind you of the good things in your life. This helps decrease stress and increase feelings of connection. Spend some time considering why you’re grateful for the people in your life and tell them. This skill helps boost connection, but also in looking for the positive. This is another helpful skill when it comes to desire and sex drive.

Connect to Things You Enjoy

• Hobbies

Set aside time to do something you enjoy. Be aware of the whole “I don’t have time for this” mindset when it comes up, because it can be tempting to put your needs on hold. You have time for the things you make time for. You may not have a lot of time, but if you spend a few minutes every day doing something for yourself, that time will build up. Not only is the practice of setting boundaries and asserting yourself important but you also deserve to do fun things you enjoy (all of which is true for your sex drive as well).

• Try Something New

Push yourself to have a new experience, try new food, or go to a new place. Excitement helps keep life interesting! This will help get the blood flowing and it can feel good to do something that challenges you. The more you know about what excites you, the better equipped you are to increase sex drive and desire. And continuing to foster a sense of adventure and playfulness goes a long way when it comes to having better sex.

• Take Yourself on a Date

We tend to spend a lot of time working to make our partners feel special and appreciated. But sometimes we overlook doing that for ourselves! It’s just as important to keep a healthy, supportive relationship with yourself. If there’s something you enjoy that you don’t do often because your partner doesn’t like it, or something you’ve always wanted to do, go do it. Or try wearing something sexy, that you feel good in both physically and emotionally. The better you know yourself and feel confident in your behaviors and decisions, the better your sex drive. And connecting with things you enjoy leads to increased playfulness, fun, and feelings of mastery, all of which lead to better sex and increased desire.

Connect to Something Bigger Than Yourself

And get some perspective.

• Spend Time in Nature

Go on a walk around your neighborhood or take some time to check out a local park. Spending time in nature has incredible benefits, like lowering blood pressure, decreasing stress, and getting a break from overwhelming daily demands. Research has shown that repeating patterns in nature (i.e., fractals) decrease stress because our brain is more easily wired to make sense of them. Take some time to test this theory by walking in the woods, exploring the veins in a leaf, or appreciating the grooves in a tree’s bark. This can help you get some perspective and lower stress, both of which set you up to have a better mindset for better sex. 

• Invest in a Passion

Passionate about animals? Volunteer at a local animal shelter. Enjoy gardening? Check out local flower shops and see if they could use a hand. Love babies? Contact nearby hospitals to inquire about volunteer opportunities with the newborns. There’s a reason volunteering is so powerful. It’s not only that we’re helping others, though this is a huge perk. It’s also because we feel a sense of purpose when we contribute to something outside ourselves. This has a significant impact on self-esteem and self-worth. The more you can do to boost these and feel good about yourself, the more you can bring this confidence and comfort into sex.

• Find a Community

It feels good to be around people who care about us. And it’s important to make an effort to connect with others in real life or, at the very least, in meaningful ways. Spend time connecting with others over shared interests, be that reading, painting, listening to music, watching movies, whatever. And a bonus is this can lead to feeling more purpose in your interests. Instead of just reading that book, you could share your thoughts and hear others in your book club. Instead of just painting, you could share the artwork and talk about your inspiration and process. And the more sense of purpose you feel in your life, the more sense of purpose you’ll feel in your sex life because it’s all connected.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember it’s all connected. What you do at work, with friends, enjoy in your spare time, and how you feel about your sex life are all interconnected. One thing affects the others. This can cause a negative spiral or a positive one where one area boosts the others. The purpose of learning more about how to connect with others outside your partner and in ways outside the bedroom can help begin/maintain that positive spiral. And the more you feel connection and purpose, the lower your stress will be. And this leads to more energy and room for your desire and sex drive to show up and party.

Free Sex Therapy call in Philadelphia, PA

If you’re interested in learning more about how connection can lead to better sex and desire, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your individual experiences and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist for you. If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.