The Stress Response: Is it causing your low sex drive?

Part 1 of 4: The stress response and low sex drive

As a sex therapist, I talk about stress a lot.

Why? Because stress is one of the main killers of sexual response. It’s a real buzzkill and can result in some seriously low libido. And, we, as a society have normalized feeling stressed. If you’re not stressed about something, are you even doing this right?? Boo! No! You don’t have to be stressed all the time! And you deserve to increase libido and have a fun, sexy time!

In order to understand how stress causes low libido, it’s important to understand the stress response and how this impacts your body as a whole.

Both the sexual and stress responses are physical systems. Being aware of what to look for in your body when stressed can help give you some key information. You can use that info to deal with the stress and increase your libido.

The main players in your sexual and stress response:

Meet your sympathetic nervous system

This is your fight, flight, freeze response.

It activates when reacting to a threat in your environment. This could be anything from a bee buzzing by your ear to talking to your partner about sex.

We typically think of this as the stress response, which it is. AND fun fact: When you’re in the act of getting it on, your body kicks on the sympathetic nervous system. A book I read once referred to this response as the 4 F’s: fight, flight, freeze, and mating. I was disappointed by the censoring but had a nice chuckle nonetheless.

Here’s what’s happening physically during fight, flight, freeze:

Your pupils dilate so you can take in more information and assess your environment more fully. Heart rate increases so you can pump blood through your body faster. Bronchial tubes dilate (think short, fast breaths) so you can get more oxygen into your blood. Blood is pulled into your trunk to protect your internal organs so if you sustain an injury, you have a better chance of survival. Digestion is suspended because you need that blood flow and energy elsewhere. You secrete adrenaline so you can react faster and cortisol to stay alert. That way, when you see/hear that bee close to you, you suddenly react so fast that you could outrun Usain Bolt. Muscles tense in preparation for quick, powerful exertion.

Now, it’s great to enter this state during sex. The problem lies in getting stuck in this state due to stressors. It’s not the typical sexual response that occurs when the sympathetic nervous system is activated that’s causing issues. It’s the external stressors keeping you stuck in this state that interfere and can cause low libido. Whenever your body interprets these threats (work stress, relationship issues, feeling self-conscious during sex, etc.) it’s not going to want sex or respond well to sexual situations because it’s going into survival mode. It’s saying Um, hello? We can’t have sex right now, we’re trying to survive! We don’t have time for sex right now.

Therefore, stress = low sex drive.

Let’s use the example of the stressor/threat of talking with your partner about sex. This can be a threat because it causes vulnerability in many areas: your relationship, your trust, your sense of self as a partner, your sexual identity, and so on. There’s the threat of failure if you don’t see eye to eye with your partner or they don’t understand what you’re trying to communicate.

Something else happens when your sympathetic nervous system is activated: The reasoning, rational part of your brain goes offline. This is helpful for reaction time, like when that bee is coming at you. You don’t think, you just react. Now, I don’t know about you but for things like communicating with a partner about sex, I want my brain to be fully at the party. But that can’t happen if your brain is in this state of ongoing activation through fight, flight, or freeze. Think about trying to have a rational, ongoing conversation in the middle of sex. It’s not super easy. This is because your brain is in that same state of activation- your sympathetic nervous system is online and all those physical things listed above are happening. You’re at a disadvantage for problem-solving. This is why calming this response is so important when it comes to talking about sex. In order to do so, you need to meet our next player.

Meet your parasympathetic nervous system

This is your rest, digest response.

It activates when your body receives signals that it’s safe and there’s no longer a direct threat to its safety.

Here’s what’s happening physically:

Once you feel safe, your pupils constrict to their normal size. Heart rate slows and blood pressure decreases. Blood flows back into your extremities. Bronchial tubes constrict, allowing breathing to return to a slower rate. Digestion resumes. Your release of adrenaline and cortisol decreases. Muscles relax. Your rational brain comes back online.

This system is needed to navigate long-term thinking, planning, reasoning, etc. And all of these are important in terms of an ongoing sexual relationship. It’s important that you be able to engage in long-term thinking with things like birth control options and STI protection. Planning allows you to think and talk about family planning and what will be right for you. Reasoning allows you to explore new ways to keep things exciting while understanding rewards and consequences (like wanting to try a new environment but knowing sex in public might get you arrested). All of these are needed if you were to try new positions, toys, lubes, etc. because they involve creative thinking!

So how do you allow your sympathetic to have its place (sex and some good stress) but not take over (bad stress)?

And how can managing your stressors increase sex drive?

The first step is being aware of how these systems are impacting you physically. Get to know your body and see what you notice. Do you experience a lot of muscle tension, headaches, or tightness in your chest? These could all be signs of a prolonged stress response. Address these physical symptoms through physical means. Roll out your shoulders, try some neck stretches, or engage in some high-quality deep breathing. You need to address your stressors in order for your body to feel safe enough to let your sexual response in. Eliminating the bad stress with help increase libido because your body no longer has to fight off all the threats and will have more time and energy to devote to your sexual response. Stay tuned, as coming posts will give you more info on ways to manage stress response and others ways to help increase libido.

The next step is identifying what the stressors are and working to decrease their impact on you. Fair warning: some of these may be long-standing or very ingrained into your day-to-day life. When it comes to sex this could be shame, self-judgment, negative core beliefs, pressure, unrealistic expectations, and so on. Working with a sex therapist in Philadelphia, PA can help you identify the core stressors that are keeping you in a state of fight, flight, and freeze. They can help you find ways to manage stressors, decrease the physical impact of stress, and learn how to increase your libido so your sympathetic system can do more of the fun stuff- sex!

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I hope this gives you a better idea of your sex and stress responses and how you can increase your libido by addressing your stressors. If you’re interested in learning more about what could help, click here and we can set up a 15 min phone chat. I’d be happy to learn more about your experience with stress and sex and help you figure out how to choose the best sex therapist.

If you’re interested in shifting how your stress is affecting your low sex drive through individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.

My specialties include low desire, low sex drive, differing desires, communication, managing stress around sex, and increasing connection.