Is it Low Desire or…. Why Labeling Yourself Doesn't Help, But What Can
I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist, and I’m here to normalize that there are MANY reasons why you may not want to have sex right now.
12 Areas That May be Impacting Your Sex Drive:
Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Labeling Yourself with Low Desire
Changes in desire are natural but we don’t about them often so when you experience low desire, it can be stressful. You may find yourself wondering what’s happening to you, feeling out of control, or feeling like your sex drive is broken. And all of this can lead you to label yourself with low desire. Which then leads to judgment and self-criticism.
In the hustle and bustle of modern life, it is no secret that our daily routines and responsibilities can have a significant impact on our relationships and sexual intimacy. From work demands to household chores, finding time and energy for sex can become a challenge. BUT not wanting to have as much sex lately doesn’t mean you have low desire. Let’s explore how daily life gets in the way of sexual intimacy and some suggestions for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sexual connection amidst the chaos.
Instead of Labeling Yourself with Low Desire, Consider How These 12 Areas May Be Impacting Your Sex Drive
The Sex You’ve Been Having Hasn’t Been Desirable
I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it a million more: It’s understandable to not desire sex if the sex you’ve been having hasn’t been desirable. Think about the quality of the sex you’ve most recently had. Did you enjoy it? Was it pleasurable? Were you able to explore? If you answered no to any of these questions, take a minute and think about the type of sex you’ve been having. Has it been the kind you want to be having or the kind you think you should be having? Instead of thinking about how you’ve been lacking desire, shift your thoughts and think about what you WANT to say yes to.
Exhaustion and Fatigue
One of the most common barriers to sexual intimacy is fatigue. Fatigue literally suppresses sex hormones so don’t feel bad if you’re not ready to go after a long, tiring day (your body is actually working exactly as it should and trying to conserve energy). Balancing work, family, and personal responsibilities can leave us physically and mentally drained at the end of the day. When exhaustion sets in, it can be challenging to summon the energy and desire for sexual activity. Finding ways to prioritize rest, self-care, and recharge can help combat fatigue and create space for intimacy.
Poor Sleep
Along with exhaustion, you may not be sleeping well. Sleep is a basic need and without it, we struggle to function. Think about when you’re tired: you’re more irritable, less patient, more impulsive, and can’t concentrate as well. None of this is very sexy. The quality and quantity of sleep you get have a big impact on the quality of your sex life. Get better sleep for better sex.
Increase in Stress
The stress and strain of daily responsibilities can be overwhelming, leaving little mental space and energy for sexual desire and connection. Juggling multiple tasks, managing household chores, and dealing with financial or relationship issues can all contribute to an increase in stress. When your stress response (think fight/flight) is activated, it’s hard for your sexual response to kick on because you’re in survival mode. Make an effort to increase your stress management as this paves the way for a healthier life. And communicate openly with your partner about shared responsibilities and seek support when needed.
Busy Schedules and Time Constraints
The fast-paced nature of modern life can lead to you feeling constantly rushed and short on time. Demanding work schedules, family commitments, and social obligations can leave little room for quality time with your partner, let alone intimacy. Carve out dedicated time for each other, even if it means making conscious efforts to schedule intimate moments or explore creative ways to connect amidst busy schedules.
The House is a Mess
Your environment has a big impact on how you feel. Think about how you feel in your space when it’s a mess vs when it’s tidy and organized. Your environment can make or break how focused you are during sexual encounters. If your room is filled with dirty clothes, laundry that needs to be put away, smells, or is cold, these will all pull focus from any type of sexual activity. Take a look around your space and consider what would help it feel cleaner, calmer, and sexier. Then take steps to make that happen.
Your Diet’s a Mess
What you put in your body literally affects how you feel. If you’ve been eating more junk food, you’re going to feel junkier. When you eat food that makes you feel like crap, you’re not going to want to have sex. Think about your current habits, if you’re seeking comfort foods more often, and how you can replace these with healthier alternatives that leave you feeling more nourished and energized.
You Have Responsive Desire
Responsive desire kicks on in response to something sexy happening. There’s a myth that we all have spontaneous desire and desire for sex just kicks on on its own. This is false and honestly, really unhelpful. Maybe you don’t have low desire at all, maybe you just need something sexy, that feels good, or interesting to happen first in order to kick on your sex drive. Pay attention during times you’re interested in sex: did the feelings really simply kick on out of nowhere, or did something happen that got you interested?
Your Health’s Affecting Desire
Your physical health plays a big role in your sexual functioning because sex is a physical response. Changes in desire can indicate an underlying health issue and if this change came on suddenly, it’s always a good idea to check in with your doctor. However, it’s not just significant health issues that can affect desire. Things like sore muscles, feeling weak and disconnected from your body, pain from old injuries, and more can affect your desire. If your body is feeling aches and pains, it may be focusing more on trying to heal and manage these than kicking on your desire. Pay attention to physical sensations day-to-day, listen to what your body needs, and be kind to and take care of it. That way it can manage and decrease pain, opening up more energy for your sex drive.
Technology and Digital Distractions
The omnipresence of technology in our lives can create distractions that hinder sexual intimacy. Constant connectivity and the lure of social media, emails, and screens can steal our attention and prevent us from being fully present with our partners. Not mention the feeling of always needing to be accessible and how this impacts your ability to be “off the clock” and enjoy downtime with your partner. Setting boundaries around technology, creating tech-free spaces or times, and prioritizing face-to-face interactions can help combat distractions and enhance intimacy.
Relationship Stressors and Communication
Unresolved conflicts, misunderstandings, or breakdowns in communication within a relationship can significantly impact sexual intimacy. Lack of emotional connection and unresolved tensions can wreak havoc on your sex life and lead you to avoid intimacy, rather than seek it out. Prioritizing open and honest communication, actively listening to each other's needs and concerns, and seeking professional help if needed, can facilitate healthier relationship dynamics and strengthen the sexual bond.
Lack of Emotional Intimacy Beyond Sexual Activity
Intimacy in relationships extends beyond sexual encounters. Emotional connection, companionship, stimulating conversations, and shared experiences play significant roles in building and maintaining strong relationships. If you’re lacking a connection in one realm of intimacy, chances are the others may be taking a hit as well. But the opposite is true as well: Boosting intimacy in areas outside the bedroom through things like emotional, physical (non-sexual), and communicative intimacy can lead you to feel more connected and thus increase desire.
We’re quick to label ourselves when problems arise, and low desire (or CHANGES in desire) is no different. Instead of labeling yourself as having low desire, consider what changes have occurred in your life lately and your current habits. I shared 12 reasons your desire may not be kicking on, but there are many more. Navigating the complexities of daily life and maintaining a fulfilling sex life requires conscious effort and understanding. It doesn’t just happen on its own. It’s important to recognize your health habits, stress level, exhaustion, relationship issues, and more all impact desire.
By prioritizing your health, rest, stress management, effective communication, and making intentional efforts to create time and space for connection, you can overcome the barriers you’re currently feeling with your desire and nurture a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. Remember, finding a balance between life's demands and intimate connections is an ongoing journey that requires patience, flexibility, and mutual support. But it’s possible. So stop labeling and judging yourself, start being honest about what’s affecting your sex drive, and take action so you can increase desire.
Get Your Free Guide to Increase Low Sex Drive
If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
