How Undesirable Sex Can Cause Low Desire: What a Philadelphia Sex Therapist Says Can Help
Sexual desire, and low desire specifically, is a complex and multifaceted aspect of human sexuality that’s influenced by a variety of factors. While desire ebbs and flows naturally, experiencing low sexual desire can be frustrating and overwhelming for both the person experiencing this, and their partners.
I’m Erinn, your Philadelphia sex therapist. Let’s explore why bad sex can lead you to avoid it and lead to low desire.
5 Ways Undesirable Sex Can Lead to Low Desire:
Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Why Trying to Have More Sex May Contribute to Your Low Desire
One significant factor that can contribute to low sexual desire is having undesirable or unsatisfying sexual experiences. When someone notices a drop in desire, it’s common to hyper-focus on the sex itself and ask questions like “How do I have more sex.”
While investing in your sex life is important, the TYPE of sex you’re having is important. I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it again: It’s understandable to not desire sex if the sex you’ve been having hasn’t been desirable. Let’s dive into the reasons why having undesirable sex can lead to low desire and explore ways to address and overcome these challenges.
5 Ways Undesirable Sex Can Lead to Low Desire: Your Philadelphia Sex Therapist
Psychological Impact
When you engage in sex that consistently fails to meet your emotional, physical, or psychological needs, it can have a profound impact on your sexual desire. Sexpectations (sex expectations) can lead to negative sexual experiences, such as feeling obligated to have sex, feeling you have to have sex at a certain frequency, or having to engage in certain activities during sex.
Over time, these sexpectations can lead to feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, and stress. These are definitely unsexy. Over time, these negative associations can inhibit the natural development of desire and create a psychological barrier to engaging in future sexual encounters. In short: If you don’t enjoy it, your brain isn’t going to want to seek it out.
Emotional Disconnect
Emotional intimacy and connection are crucial for fostering a healthy sexual relationship. If sex, or your relationship as a whole, lacks emotional depth or fails to create a sense of connection, it can leave you feeling disconnected from your partner. When emotional needs are consistently unmet, it can lead to decreased desire and diminished interest in engaging in sexual activities altogether. It’s hard to feel sexy and seek out sex with a partner you feel distant from.
And once you start stressing about sex because it’s not enjoyable, you may avoid other types of intimacy for fear they’ll lead to sex. But this only further distances you from your partner. Building emotional closeness and open communication within the relationship is vital to counteracting this disconnection. In short: Connect emotionally to boost feelings of desire and physical connection.
Body Image and Self-Esteem
Body image concerns and low self-esteem can significantly impact sexual desire. Engaging in undesirable sex that reinforces negative body image or undermines self-confidence can lead to a decline in sexual desire. Spectatoring is when you imagine watching yourself during sex as if you were a third person in the room. When you do this, you tend to critique things like how you look, sound, your performance, etc. This takes you out of the moment and disconnects you from your body because you’re in your head with all your negative self-talk and sexpectations.
Feelings of inadequacy or shame about one's body can create a vicious cycle where that’s what you focus on during sex. And over time, this can become all you see. Instead of focusing on positive sensations, what you’re enjoying, and your body, you’re stuck in your head. And this makes for a stressful rather than enjoyable experience. Cultivating a positive body image and promoting self-acceptance are crucial in restoring and enhancing sexual desire. In short: If you don’t want to have sex with you, it’s hard to let someone else.
Monotony and Restrictive Definition of Sex
Sexual monotony or a lack of variety in sexual experiences can contribute to low sexual desire. If I asked you to define sex, what would you say? If you’re like many people, you’d define sex as penetrative sex. While this is a great way to have sex, it’s only one way to have sex. There are a TON of other ways to have sex and engage in sexploration with your partner, but letting go of that strict definition of sex has to be the start. If you view sex as only penetrative sex, you limit yourself and miss out on other types of pleasurable activity.
Engaging in repetitive or predictable sexual routines without exploration or novelty can lead to boredom and a decline in interest at best, at worst it can cause a big spike in stress. Expanding your definition of sex can be especially helpful if you’ve noticed low desire because it can take the pressure off. Instead of feeling pressured to have sex in one specific type of way, you can shift your mindset and come into it with other goals: pleasurable touch, quality time together, experimenting with new techniques, exploring fantasies, whatever you want. The best sex is exploratory, not restrictive and goal-focused. In short: Instead of thinking about the type of sex you should have, consider the type of sex you WANT to have.
Relationship Issues
Sexual desire is intricately tied to many factors, one of which is the overall health of a relationship. Relationship problems, such as unresolved conflicts, lack of emotional connection, or a breakdown in communication, can spill over into the bedroom and diminish sexual desire. If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, or haven’t felt very valued or seen lately in the relationship, it’s hard for that sex drive to kick on and want to engage with them sexually.
Addressing relationship issues through honest and open communication, seeking professional help if needed, and prioritizing emotional intimacy can help revitalize desire and strengthen the bond between partners. Foreplay is often thought of as what happens in the moments right before sex but it’s way more than that. How you communicate, work together, and resolve issues day to day can be considered foreplay. Consider how it feels when you and your partner feel like you’re on the same page, working well together, and communicating with ease vs when you’re not. In short: The more connected you feel outside the bedroom, the more connected you’ll be in it.
Low desire can be influenced by various factors, and having undesirable sex is one significant contributor. Negative experiences can have a profound psychological impact, lead to emotional disconnect, and undermine body image and self-esteem. These lead you to avoid sex, rather than seek it out. Restrictive views of sex and relationship frustrations further contribute to the decline in sexual desire, as they add pressure and stress to an already stressful situation.
Remember, it’s understandable to not desire sex if the sex you’ve been having hasn’t been desirable. Recognizing the impact of undesirable sex and addressing these challenges through open communication, emotional intimacy, self-acceptance, and relationship improvements can help you increase desire, leading to a healthier and more fulfilling sexual life. And a better sex life leads to a better life overall.
Get Your Free Guide to Increase Low Sex Drive
If you’re interested in individual sex therapy in Philadelphia or couples therapy in Philadelphia, you can read more about how I can help with both by clicking their links.
My specialties include low sex drive, differential desires, communication, managing sexual stress and pressure, and increasing connection.
